'Accept you were wrong for each other and move on'

Anne Cantelo shares her own experiences, and explains what you can do for the best

ANNE CANTELO

After one of the most public and bitter divorces in history, Sir Paul McCartney has reportedly said that he now hopes to have a cordial relationship with his ex-wife, Heather Mills, for the sake of their daughter, Beatrice. I think the rest of us can be forgiven for being a little sceptical.

When I separated in 2001, and later divorced, I had two young daughters. I was told I was naive to think I could avoid it getting bitter, and that they would be scarred for life. It prompted me to do as much research as I could, with professionals, in books and with other people who had been through the experience. I learned a lot, not all of it as obvious as many people seem to believe. It is not just about keeping things "cordial".

My husband and I had been married for 16 years when we separated. It was not dramatic; neither of us had someone else or had committed some heinous crime. We just realised we were totally unsuited and irritated each other by walking in the room. Some relationships work and some don't. It doesn't necessarily mean either person is at fault - but as a society we want to blame someone. Who cares? Accept you were wrong for each other and move on.

The most painful part, by far, was telling our girls and seeing their faces collapse into grief; I still cry when I think of that moment. We dragged the separation out far too long: it was nearly eight months after telling the girls that we finally separated. Once the children were living in our new homes they stopped being so stressed by the divorce.

We're human; we've both been depressed and bad-tempered along the way, which is not easy for children to deal with. But two things have made a real difference. We continued to live close enough to each other for the girls to go to the same school; also, most of the time we continued to deal with discipline as a united parenting team.

The popular view is that the divorce statistics are a sad indictment on modern-day society. I don't agree. Just like antibiotics, contraception, sanitation and painkillers, I believe the social acceptance of divorce has made our lives immeasurably better. If we'd still been married, my ex and I would be existing today as two sad, lonely individuals and my daughters would have been brought up in a house full of tension rather than two households full of love and laughter.

Seven years on, I know the divorce was the best thing for all of us. My girls do not see it as a big deal and my ex is very happily married to someone who loves him. So what else made a difference?

One of the first things that became very clear to me when I was doing my research was that if you want to divorce without destroying your children, don't go to see a lawyer unless you really have to. Amicable divorces can be made acrimonious by just one visit to a bad lawyer. I'm sure there are some great ones out there. My experience, and that of the people I spoke to, is the opposite. Even the good ones will charge you - a lot. Your family has a fixed pot of money that now needs stretching between two homes, so anything you spend on lawyers will reduce that amount.

Few of us get married as part of a business arrangement, so what moral right do we have to treat it like that when we get divorced? After taking account of the needs of the children, neither of you should gain or lose money from the marriage. More importantly, for your children's happiness, you need to accept that neither of you has a right to your children, but your children have a moral right to their parents - both their parents. This means that, after the divorce, you both have to be able to provide a home for them. My ex has always had the children with him around half the time.

We all know we shouldn't be rude about our ex in front of our children but many people think it's OK to tell them they were always unhappy in the marriage. If you tell your children that, it makes them question their whole childhood. You're effectively telling them that all those times they felt they were in a happy family, those magical days out and those cosy times in, were a lie. Children want to look back and think they were part of a happy family. Do you really want to take that away from them?

Divorce hurts: there is no avoiding that. But, as adults, it is something we are part of, unlike our children, who can only watch helplessly. We therefore have to take responsibility for their wellbeing ahead of our own - and if it means letting our ex win some arguments, so what? Bite your tongue so much and so often that it feels like it's coming off. And if the pent-up anger is getting to you, try kick-boxing classes.