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THE CHIP in the West End's Ashton Lane has a narrow flight of stairs up to the first floor bar. From there is another tricky set of steps up to the roof terrace. Heading up there for a drink the other day was a chap who had bought two tyres for his mountain bike, which he propped up on either side of his roof terrace chair while sipping his pint. Eventually a chap detached himself from a group nearby having an earnest discussion, and sidled up to the tyre buyer to ask: "Sorry to bother you, but me and my mates cannot work out how you managed to get your wheelchair up here."

Totally topical

TELEVISION style commentators Colin and Justin helped an old mate out by judging the children's fancy dress parade at Kippen on Saturday where they were impressed by the topicality. Not only was there a young lad in drag, dressed drably as singing sensation Susan Boyle, but there was a youngster in business suit with a see-through briefcase labelled "Pension" and stuffed with cash. Yes, it was disgraced banker Sir Fred Goodwin.

But the winner was the youngster with piggy ears, his nostrils cleverly pinned upwards with clear tape, and wearing his pyjamas and dressing gown. He was, of course, swine flu.

New faces

AND speaking of summer shows, we hear that First Minister Alex Salmond will open the Meldrum Sports and Highland Games at Oldmeldrum this Saturday. Apparently the last politician asked was local Conservative MP, H R Spence in 1951. Seems he was not a popular choice because many gatekeepers collecting entrance money vowed never to work at the sports again if another politician opened it. Presumably, the organisers reckoned that after 58 years, there was a fresh batch of gatekeepers.

Whole lot of nothing

THE transformation of Govan Town Hall into the media centre Film City reminds Bill Thomson of the Govan coat of arms still above the town hall door with its Latin motto Nihil sine labore - nothing without work.

"The more pessimistic Govanites," says Bill, "would say it meant No sign of work'."

Penny for your thoughts

OUR tales of shop assistants needing calculators remind Brian Ross when he was teaching an S3 class and he caught a girl not paying attention as she was using her calculator to add up her Avon order from her classmates.

He decided to have some fun and challenged her that he could add up the total quicker in his head than she could with the calculator.

Thinking he was mad, she readily agreed to the challenge - and was promptly beaten.

Brian says: "I probably should have explained that since every item ended in 99p, it was easy to round up and then subtract the appropriate number of pennies - but the look on her face is one that will remain with me."

Real bargain

"REAL Madrid are furious," said the chap in the pub the other night, "when they heard they could have bought a big girl's blouse in Primark for four quid rather than the £80m they paid."

Wise guys

EVERY house locally has been sent a copy of the book The Wisdom of Barrhead and Neilston, produced by Barrhead Housing Association- and no, dear Paisley reader, it is not written on the back of a postage stamp.

The book contains advice from local residents, and although much is uplifting, such as: "Treat life with a laugh as it will make you smile" some of it is more, well Barrheadish.

Thus we learn:-

Keep your purse closed out of doors.

Life sucks. Get a helmet.

Remember to study well so that you don't become a teacher.

Sharp retort

WE hear from Kilmarnock Sheriff Court where the procurator fiscal, in a case of possession of an offensive weapon, conceded in his closing statement that the knife was not the most lethal, and explained: "It's not a David Bowie knife or the like."

The Sheriff, being kind, remarked: "I think you mean a Jim Bowie knife."

Defending solicitor David Brookens was heard to remark that Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars defending the Alamo might have been the reason why the Mexicans took no prisoners.