A couple of weeks ago, I heard about the former boxer Chris Eubank putting up his two teenage boys for adoption in order to give them a better standard of life. Which got me thinking: perhaps there is an opportunity here that I haven't previously considered.
A couple of weeks ago, I heard about the former boxer Chris Eubank putting up his two teenage boys for adoption in order to give them a better standard of life. Which got me thinking: perhaps there is an opportunity here that I haven't previously considered.
To give you some background, this year marks the 11th anniversary of my father's death. My mother passed away four years before that, in 1993. So, for the past 11 years, I've been an orphan. Admittedly, as I'm now 45, some may say I'm a little too old to be recycled as someone's new adoptee. But why not? As far as I'm aware, there's no age limit.
With this in mind, I've decided to put myself up for adoption and I'm looking for suitable candidates. We have in this country a number of choices when it comes to whom and what we want to adopt. We can adopt a child, adopt a granny, adopt a tree; we can even adopt a wild animal. However, I've got a much better idea: how about adopt a blind man?
It's so sad. I've got no elderly relations I can go round and sponge off when I'm financially embarrassed. Nor do I have some ageing parent I can visit to get free meals when I'm put on a diet at home. (Now, I don't want you thinking I'm motivated only by hunger and financial reward. Although, if I'm being honest, these are major contributing factors in my search for a new parent.) There are many advantages in adopting me, a blind man - as opposed to adopting, say, a zebra on the plains of Africa. I'm very good at assembling flat-pack furniture, as long as you read out the instructions. If I get you hammered on sherry down the pub, I can get us home in the dark by using my audible GPS. When you pay to fly me on exotic holidays (a hint there), we'll be able to jump the queue to get aboard the aircraft before everyone else.
If you like dogs, you've also struck gold. I have a lovely guide dog, who just loves to be spoiled. I can be reasonably entertaining, mainly by talking about me and my fascinating life - something I have no doubt you will learn to appreciate over time as it fills your otherwise dull and empty days. Plus, I've been fully house-trained and am over the stroppy teenage years. But be warned: I'm approaching my mid-life crisis phase. (Still, being blind, there's no chance of me endangering myself on a powerful motorcycle as I try to regain my youth.) You have to acknowledge that I'm starting to look like a very attractive proposition. Perhaps I should add here that I am very progressive, so will happily accept a lone parent, a widow or a same-sex couple. Actually, I'll accept anyone at all. I can't afford to be too selective.
There are some criteria that should be adhered to for you to become the successful applicant. Don't expect a weekly visit, as I'm a busy person. So I won't be coming round every Sunday at the same time. However, if you make sure you're always in, I'll come round and surprise you every other month or so when I'm hungry and thirsty - as long as you pay for my taxi.
When I do arrive, I don't want you telling me some long-winded story about how you bought a spoon the previous week, or how your neighbour's sister's cousin has run away with the doctor's wife's aunt. You have to be entertaining and engaging to maintain my undivided attention. Nor do I want to hear about all your various ailments, mainly because I'm not that sympathetic or interested in your medical problems. So if you have any hypochondriac tendencies, best to keep them to yourself. Oh, and one thing I simply won't do is be bounced on your knee. First, I'm 14 stone, and second well, it would just be plain weird.
Because I don't drive, I'll expect you to give the dog and me loads of lifts at really inconvenient times of day. So, clearly a car is a pre-requisite to taking me on as your child. And I would prefer it if I had no step-siblings, as I don't intend to share any future inheritance. If you would like to give me a monthly allowance, I would accept it graciously after a little persuasion. "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly accept this well, on you go then, if you must".
One final thing: are you being squeezed by the credit crunch? Economically challenged people need not apply. Remember, if you take me on, it's for life. A blind man isn't just for Christmas
