Oz and James drink to Britain, BBC2, 8pm Claire Sweeney: My Big Fat Diet, ITV1, 9pm In Oz and James Drink To Britain, there is a bit of Britain, a fair bit of drink and a great deal of Oz and James. James is James May, the one from Top Gear with the woman's hairdo who is distinguishable from Jeremy Clarkson by his flowery shirt. Oz is the bald oenophile Oz Clarke, who has been trying to educate Blue Nun-drinking Britons in the art of wine snobbery for decades.

Oz and James drink to Britain, BBC2, 8pm
Claire Sweeney: My Big Fat Diet, ITV1, 9pm

In Oz and James Drink To Britain, there is a bit of Britain, a fair bit of drink and a great deal of Oz and James. James is James May, the one from Top Gear with the woman's hairdo who is distinguishable from Jeremy Clarkson by his flowery shirt. Oz is the bald oenophile Oz Clarke, who has been trying to educate Blue Nun-drinking Britons in the art of wine snobbery for decades.

In the dark ages, he used to do it alongside Jilly Goolden on the BBC's Food And Drink programme. Oz was regularly upstaged by Jilly, who may have known less about wine, but had a pithier way of expressing herself. If memory serves, she once compared a chardonnay to a mouthful of municipal swimming baths, which was memorable, if not exactly tempting.

Oz and James are involved in a more abstract game. Oz is still playing teacher, but James is standing in for the British public. He is, thanks to his education at the University of Top Gear, the blokiest of blokes, and in previous series it was his job to be sceptical of Oz's attempts to get intellectual about wine.

James wasn't exactly engaged in a War On Terroir, but he could be relied upon to get sniffy about all the spitting and gurgling and pretentious verbalising. Since Oz and James are heterosexual men spending too much time together, they have to pretend to have an antagonistic relationship, so James will call Oz an "international wine ponce", while Oz will dignify James with the affectionate title "this scruffbag".

Their arranged marriage requires a car - a 1982 Rolls-Royce convertible - and a gimmick: the crappy caravan they claim to be staying in. And, since this is Britain, they will mostly be drinking beer.

In Yorkshire, they encounter several pints of bitter, which is yeasty and creamy, and they stand in a field of barley while Oz witters on about grains being full of starch which turns to sugar which turns to alcohol.

They drink many pints, and some halves, and do a convincing impression of two drunk men in a railway saloon. Oz - now known by the comedy nickname "Fathead" - instructs James in the delicate art of burping, the better to appreciate his ale.

"What's the flavour in your mouth?" he asks excitedly. "Beer,"

says James. Then they have a pretend tiff. "I'm never ever doing Oz and James again," says James. "I'm going home and I'm calling up Jilly Goolden."

In Claire Sweeney: My Big Fat Diet, the woman who achieved fame on Brookside as the gun-toting drugs mule Lindsey Corkhill is encouraged to eat food and stop exercising, roughly in the manner of Morgan Spurlock's film Supersize Me. Or, as the voiceover put it, "she surrenders her slender super-fit body to eat what she wants, when she wants".

Sweeney, it transpires, is a disciplined eater, unburdened by temptation. Her fridge contains half-eaten chocolates and old Christmas puddings.

"When will I feel like a human dustbin?" she asks, just before a photo shoot for OK! magazine.

The answer comes quickly. After just three weeks, much of them spent on holiday in Majorca, the svelte Sweeney's lusty glances at a custard slice have taken their toll. She is no longer able to squeeze into her favourite dress which, happily, is the colour of Shrek. A pot belly is visible. Oddly enough, James May had one of those, but no-one thought to mention it.