Liz Lochhead's new poem for A Play, A Pie And A Pint

Dear David, I scribble this because today

We did the read-through of your 300th play –

We open in two short weeks, eek, on Monday 20th May –

Imagine! Three hundred plays which did not exist before

They premiered at one pm at Oran Mor.

OK, flashback. Best part of a decade ago,

So the story goes and as far as I know,

Once upon a time in the West – Byres Road t'be exact –

You, David McL, bumped into one Colin Beattie, who was, matter of fact,

Up to his oxters in turning a derelict church into a dream he had.

He (you-don't-have-to-be-crazy-etc-but-it-helps) was mad

To make it much more than a super-pub and mega wedding destination,

Was dying to show you the story-so-far of his new creation,

So he jams a hard-hat on your heid and... in you baith go.

David, you could not believe your eyes (at least you told me so) –

Th'whole place, the space, the colour, the light,

Stained-glass, half-restored splendour, and – at a great height –

Alasdair Gray on his back on scaffolding, a latterday Michelangelo

Painting Sistine-esque intricacies on the ceiling – and, D, what'd'you'know,

Colin goes: What would you like to do in this venue?

You don't blink, don't even think, just open your mouth and then you

Come out with your own mad idea, and, as a result, you

Are a legend in your own lunchtime – which is not to insult you,

In fact, D, it prompts this fond epistle – I just thought: ach, might as well,

In praise of you, old pal, Producer Extraordinaire,

Produce a line or twa o doggerel?

Because, thon fateful day, this was your reply:

A Pint, a Pie and a Play, Colin, A Play, a Pint and a Pie,

Or is it... A Pint, a Pie and a Play (och aye)

Naw! Mibbe A Play, a Pint and a Pie?

Anyway, Colin, why

Don't we do Lunchtime Theatre here, howsaboutit?

Say it's: A Play, a Pie, and a Pint? C'mon, Colin, say aye!

And the rest (as they say) is history.

While since that first season – September 2004, the first of twelve plays

To the annual thirty-eight productions and forty-two weeks of nowadays.

Whit Taggart was it you were in?

Actors used to get asked this all the time, before.

Now it's: Haw, when did you last dae an Oran Mor?

Could be a monologue, a musical, a comedy, a tragedy, a panto, a rom-com

Just check it out on www.playpiepint dot com.

All hail PPP – a veritable and a venerable fixture

With a welcome-to-all-comers

Open-to-all-ideas repertoire that's a total mixture.

Some Oran Mor (at the time) emergent authors:

DC Jackson, David Ireland, Alan Bissett, Cathy Forde,

Keiran Hurley, Kieran Lynn, Jackie Kay and Gerda Stevenson,

Adrian Wisniewski, Louise Welsh, Tom Tabori, Suhayl Saadi, Denise Mina, Matthew McVarish, Gary McNair, Lewis Hetherington, Morna Pearson

– Far, far too many to mention – oh, Zoe Strachan, Anne Donovan...

Say you're a brand new writer –

Or one new at least to writing plays –

Oran Mor's audience'll fairly teach you how to play it as it lays.

David, you dearly love a tyro writer, you don't ever forget

That – the isle being full of many noises –

Plenty brand-new voices

Ain't never been heard from yet.

So, almost single-handed, you have set about to change that.

As for us old-hands – you're aye careful to arrange that

We don't feel left behind either, don't feel... left out,

That we drop our jaded attitudes, are... still in with a shout?

Off the top of my head, and at random:

Ann Marie Di Mambro, Iain Heggie, Zinnie Harris,

Douglas Maxwell, Bernard MacLaverty, Nicola McCartney,

Rona Munro, Marie Jones, Michael Marra,

Johnny Bett, Dave Anderson, Mr Gray (Alasdair), the

Davids Harrower & Grieg,

Sue Glover, Janet Paisley, Jo Clifford, Peter Arnott

– this list's very far from complete but,

Yes, I'm one of them? I guess?

Well, today it made me very proud

To hear my wee three-hander – the 300th play –

If not yet up on its feet, at least out loud.

At Oran Mor we agree it's Show Business Not Tell Business

But, though the play's the thing,

You do like to tell it like it is, D.

(I'm remembering Dear Glasgow, those Letters From The Arab Spring)

And Ismail Serageldin, Samar Yazbek,

Laila Hourani, Nehad Selaiha, Abdelfattah Abusrour,

Adania Shibili, Rajah Shehadi.

There have been, at other times and otherwise,

Mohammmad Al Attar, Jaouad Essounani, Gilberto Pinto,

Sabrina Mafouz, Kirsten Torvall, Mariana Eva Perez,

Lin Weiran, Hao Jingfang and Xu Nuo (etcetera, etcetera)

Oh, it's a big wide world and –

What are we human beings like, eh?

No angels! At best we're ... Complicated

Hey, there's the best of the worst and the worst of the best –

And saints are overrated

As subjects of the very good stories

We want to tell y'all, and make good sense.

Whether we've got a budget of three hundred grand

(As if) or (mair like) fifty pence

We know what the gig is –

To tell the story in the present tense.

Yes, we'll just tell the story:

Not necessarily loud, but clear.

Won't show the audience where we're going,

Just take them there

By telling them the story, David,

Letting them in,

We'll go: Are we sitting comfortably?

Then let us begin...