The Great Christmas Bake Off and terrible Doctor Who

Tuesday 20
Paul O’Grady’s Favourite Fairy Tales
9pm, STV
We’re in the thick of panto season, and Paul O’Grady, who has done his time playing various dodgy dames and evil queens in them all, is taking it as the perfect opportunity for this characteristically friendly documentary on the roots of some of our most beloved, and weirdest, children’s stories. Focussing on the most famous tales collected by The Brothers Grimm – Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood, Snow White and Rapunzell – he’s off travelling in their footsteps, tripping through the magical landscape of Germany’s “Fairy Tale Route,” some 600 km of enchanted castles and gingerbread houses stretching from Frankfurt to Hamburg. Talking with scholars, he revels in uncovering the original, far more gruesome versions of these stories: how Cinderella’s ugly sisters had their toes chopped off to try and fit the slipper; the Queen’s cannibalistic plans for Snow White. But it never gets too heavy. Most of the time, it’s just an excuse for O’Grady to dress up as a wicked stepmother, a manky witch or a lecherous wolf.

Wednesday 21
Quarry
9pm, Sky Atlantic
TV addicts will recall 2008’s The Fixer, still the best action series ITV has come up with in three decades, even if it was basically a nowhere near as good remake of Callan, with a hefty grating of The Professionals on top. The reason for mentioning it is that, in The Fixer, Peter Mullan co-starred as the shadowy boss who gave a reluctant ex-soldier a new job killing people. Now, in this new US import, he co-stars as the shadowy boss who gives a reluctant ex-soldier a new job killing people. Set in early-1970s Memphis, Quarry is the nickname of Mac (Logan Marshall-Green), a sullen Marine who’s returned from Vietnam to discover that the rest of US society shuns him for what went on over there, and that jobs are thin on the ground. Soon, he’s in the sights of “The Broker” (Mullan, with an interesting accent), a mysterious underworld overlord, who has plans for him. This pilot is a little too slow, solemn and sullen, but the thick Southern Fried noir atmosphere is intriguing.
 
Thursday 22
Who Do You Think You Are?
8pm, BBC One
The Royle Family: The Queen Of Sheba
9pm, BBC One
It’s Ricky Tomlinson’s turn to investigate his family history, although, even before he begins, he already has firm ideas about what he’s going to find: “I’m a Scouser, kid. I’m a Scouser, you believe me.” But Tomlinson, who worked as a trade union organiser in Liverpool before he took up acting, is fascinated to learn that he comes from a long line of carters, the men who transported goods on the city’s docks in the days when it was the British Empire’s busiest port. And the more he learns about the grim conditions those ancestors worked in, the closer he feels to them, as it stirs memories of his own battles for workers’ rights in the 1970s. Stay tuned afterwards as Tomlinson returns in his most famous guise with a welcome repeat for the 2006 Royle Family Christmas Special. By turns hilarious and heartbreaking, it’s a sore reminder of what we lost with the death of Caroline Aherne in July.
  
Friday 23
Trollhunters
Netflix
Travelers
Netflix
Two new fantasy series arrive today: one is a kid’s show, and the other one doesn’t realise it is. A computer-animated cartoon created by Pan’s Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro, Trollhunters follows the adventures of 15-year-old Jim, who, when he discovers an ancient amulet in his bright little American city, discovers that an ancient civilisation of trolls lives in the sewers and shadows of his town…and that he has been chosen as champion in the battle between the good trolls and the evil ones. Light and bright, but smart and ambitious, it’s real family friendly fun. Off to a shakier start is Travelers, latest in the wave of time travel shows. In the far future, where American spelling rules, humankind has been all but wiped out, and so a small team, eh, send their minds back to 2016 to take over people’s bodies and work to avert the coming disaster. Even if means they wind up not being born. Or something. The pilot is fairly clunky in setting this up, but maybe things will smooth out.
 

CHRISTMAS EVE Saturday 24
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get through Christmas Eve without seeing David Walliams.
I’m not sure how this has happened – the nearest I can guess is that the lizard overlords who are secretly controlling everything had their office party early this year, got really drunk, and figured it would be a laugh – but someone somewhere has decided we should have as much Walliams as humanly possible over the festive season. Thus, not only do we have his appalling BBC One sketch show Walliams And Friend on Friday nights, we also have him turning up as the friendly face of not one but two separate sparkling Christmas Eve spectaculars.
First in your festive goodtimes Walliams double pack is the remake of 1980s chequebook-and-pen celebrity quiz Blankety Blank (6.30pm, STV) that literally nobody has been crying out for. And particularly not with David Walliams. ITV is claiming it’s a one-off, but don’t be fooled. Show the slightest interest, and they’ll roll out an entire series, which is why you must do everything you can not to watch.
As appalling as a new Blankety Blank might be, however, it is as nothing compared to the full dead-behind-the-eyes horror of your second shot of Walliams tonight. The title says it all, and if there are six more stomach-churningly gruesome words waiting to be put together in the English language, please don’t tell me what they are: David Walliams Celebrates Dame Shirley Bassey (9pm, BBC One).
But chin up. There are things out there that are actually pleasant and vaguely Christmassy. For a start, Channel 4 is rolling out its traditional blessed Yuletide repeats of The Snowman and The Snowman And The Snowdog (4.45pm and 5.15pm) to get you crying into your mulled snowballs.
They’re serving as warm up for this year’s big new animation, We’re Going On A Bear Hunt (7.30pm), a pretty damned charming adaptation of Michael Rosen’s much loved shoutalong book. While Stan, Katie, Rosie, baby and Rufus the splendid dog go off on their adventure, a new framing story sees mum and dad visiting their newly widowed grandmother, just to make it depressing. Olivia Colman and Mark Williams provide voices for mum and dad, while Rosen himself cameos as the heartbreaking bear, and if it all looks summery to begin, fear not: swirling, whirling snowstorms lie ahead.
There’s more snow in the seasonal special of Grantchester (ITV, 9pm), which keeps things merry by offering us the prospect of a 1950s winter wedding – only for the groom to turn up dead with the rings stuffed into his mouth, and a creepy local toyshop owner as prime suspect. As ever, vicar Sydney (James Norton) and grumpy detective Geordie (Robson Green) investigate as a flimsy excuse to spend time together, while trying to deny they are in love.
Really, though, the greatest early Christmas present this year is Alan Bennett’s Diaries (8pm, BBC Two), a lovely documentary visiting Bennett – still riding a bike at 82 – as he puts the finishing touches to his latest volume of diaries, Keeping On Keeping On, assembled from 10 years’ worth of notes scribbled on various bits of paper. The documentary is structured around his appearance on Radio Three’s Private Passions, when he picked the music that means most to him, and his choices send his thoughts back over his childhood. Meanwhile, cameras follow him as he attends the various chores that keep him busy, journeying from London to Leeds to New York City. Expect trains, libraries, righteous anger over right wing politicians, the odd penguin, a love story, and a Brexit epilogue. It’s fantastic.

CHRISTMAS DAY Sunday 25
Quick question. Are you an insane misanthrope who hates everyone in your family? You are? Great! May I make a suggestion? What you should do is, just after Christmas dinner, gather them all in the living room in their paper hats, blow one last party horn, and announce that now you’re all going to sit in silence and watch a three-hour filmed stage production of King Lear (7pm, BBC Four), because it’s the only thing you want this year, and if they really love you, they’ll do it.
With Rising Damp legend Don Warrington as Lear, Talawa Theatre Company’s acclaimed adaptation of Shakespeare’s long, eye-gouging tale of family betrayal, war and crumbling madness is a powerful and heartbreaking piece. But it’s hard to figure who’s going to choose to watch it on Christmas Day. Still, it takes all sorts.
There are no such highfalutin airs over on BBC One, though, as it goes all out to kindle an oldey-timey TV Xmas vibe. The variety show begins with The Great Christmas Bake Off (4.45pm), as contestants from Bake Off Past return to the tent to whip up various seasonal challenges. Of course, with the show heading to a dismal new life on Channel 4, these specials (there’s another 7pm Boxing Day) have special resonance for fans, as it’s the last time we’ll see Mel, Sue, Paul and Mary together. And, indeed, the first time we’ve seen them sharing a bed together.
After the show-stopping cakes, it’s straight into The Traditionally Rubbish Doctor Who Christmas Special (5.45pm), although, as they’ve not handed previews out, I can’t say how rubbish it is. But Peter Capaldi’s Doctor is worth watching in any situation, and he’s joined by the excellent Matt Lucas, reviving his role as Nardole, the semi-robotic idiot first seen in last year’s rubbish Christmas special.
The BBC One mega-Christmas keeps on trucking with the Strictly Come Dancing special (6.45pm). Clearly, this year, they should just have got Ed Balls in to do his Gangnam Style Salsa over and over again for an hour and a quarter. But instead they’ve asked a bunch of contestants from years gone by to dance to tunes from Christmas movies from Elf to Meet Me In St Louis. Again, it’s a poignant episode for fans, as it’s the last time we’ll see retiring judge Len Goodman wave his paddle. If you have room left for any more Christmas spirit, BBC One will then stuff it until it finally explodes with the Call The Midwife special (8pm): Snow! Babies! Nuns and nurses battling polio and apartheid in early-1960s South Africa!
In short, BBC one is mad for the Christmas. But other channels are making an effort, too. Notably Sky, with The Last Dragonslayer (5.45pm, Sky1), a downright unseasonal attempt at muscling in on the Doctor Who action. A sumptuous adaptation of Jasper Fforde’s novel, it’s a knowingly Potterish fantasy, as orphan Jennifer Strange (Ellise Chappell) discovers her dragonish destiny in a magic land where the magic is dying. The lively cast includes Pauline Collins, Ricky Tomlinson and Matt Berry as a fruity king.
If you want to get away from all the feelgood festivities, though, but don’t want to go the full King Lear, there’s middle ground in the shape of Maigret’s Dead Man (9pm, STV), a second feature-length outing for Rowan Atkinson as Georges Simenon’s 1950s Paris detective, investigating massacre in the French countryside and murder in the city. As with Atkinson’s first Maigret, it’s a slow, quiet, methodical affair. And, by this stage of the day, there’ll be nothing wrong with that.

BOXING DAY Monday 26
Lego now rules the world, so surrender and begin your Boxing Day TV selection box with Lego’s Big Christmas (8pm, Channel 4). This documentary ventures behind scenes as the world’s biggest Lego store prepares to open – a mouth-watering prospect for brickheads. Later, following last year’s And Then There Were None, the BBC returns to Agatha Christie for a two-part adaptation of her famous play Witness For The Prosecution (9pm, BBC One). In 1920s London, Toby Jones plays the lawyer trying to prove a feckless playboy innocent of murder – but will the accused man’s betrayed wife (Andrea Riseborough) provide the alibi he needs? It’s not as much fun as the Billy Wilder movie version, but Riseborough and Jones are excellent. Elsewhere, The Entire Universe (9.30pm, BBC Two) is an unexpected revival by Eric Idle of his old Rutland Weekend Television guise, introducing “the Beatle of science, Brian Cox” as he explains the universe in an hour…with music. Taking of unexpected revivals, Outnumbered (10pm, BBC One) is back for a Boxing Day special with the Brockmans – and, blimey, those kids have grown.
 
Tuesday 27
Inside No.9: The Devil Of A Christmas
10pm, BBC Two
Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton return with a delicious festive special that’s not only one of the most memorable Inside No. 9s to date, but the programme you’ll remember most from this Christmas in years to come. Partly, this is because it’s like watching something you remember from years before. In spiked tribute to the twisted, studio-bound 1970s anthologies that inspired them (like Nigel Kneale’s Beasts and Brian Clemens’s Thriller), they’ve shot the entire thing on vintage video and cameras from that era. The idea is we’re watching a cult piece filmed in 1977 – a nasty tale about a family spending Christmas in a snowy Austrian chalet  – while the director (voiced by unseen guest Derek Jacobi) delivers a new commentary. Laughs come from the knowingly arch performances and script, and the wonderful period detailing (including the casting of a 1970s TV icon, Rula Lenska). But it’s not all laughs…A new series of Inside No.9 will be with us soon. Unless they get shut down by complaints after tonight.
 
Wednesday 28
Ethel & Ernest
7.30pm, BBC One
It’s tucked away after Boxing Day like a present forgotten behind the tree, but this is one of the loveliest gifts the BBC has given us this year. Ethel & Ernest is an adaptation of writer-illustrator Raymond Briggs’s magnificent 1998 book, a genuinely moving, deeply personal labour of love, telling the story of his mum and dad, from their meeting in 1920s London, where Ethel (voiced by Brenda Blethyn) worked as a maid and Ernest (Jim Broadbent) was a cheeky milkman, through to the 1970s. The tale, essentially, of Britain’s 20th century, as seen from within one beautifully ordinary love story: a couple looking on as wars come, the welfare state is founded, men touch the moon and the 60s swing. A picture book come to life, the defiantly old-school animation is by Roger Mainwood, who has worked many times to put Briggs’s work onscreen: he animated the original 1982 Snowman and its Snowdog sequel, and also Briggs’s devastating nuclear parable, When The Wind Blows. It’s beautiful, but be warned: it’s absolutely bloody heartbreaking.

Thursday 29
To Walk Invisible
9pm, BBC One
Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe
9pm, BBC Two
It begins like some Narnia-esque fantasy, as four children, a brother and his three sisters, each crowned with a fiery halo, loom like giants over toy solders that have come to life. But this sharp, handsome film from Last Tango In Halifax/ Happy Valley writer-director Sally Wainwright soon turns into something far more grounded and grinding. To Walk Invisible is the often unhappy story of the brilliant Brontë sisters, Charlotte (Finn Atkins), Emily (Chloe Pirrie) and Anne (Charlie Murphy), and their life among the bleak Yorkshire moors – the grinding years spent trying to overcome the obstacles set in the way of them becoming the writers they were destined to be: mainly their father (Jonathan Pryce), and their troubled, addicted, artist brother, Branwell (Adam Nagaitis). Elsewhere tonight, Charlie Brooker returns to cast an eye back over the events of the year 2016, which, when you get down to it, has not been one of the great ones. It’s beyond satire, but he’ll do his best.
 
Friday 30
Judi Dench: All The World’s Her Stage
8pm, BBC Two
Delicious
9pm, Sky1
Judi Dench celebrated her 82nd birthday on December 9, so we can consider tonight’s documentary a belated present to the lady – although, if any actor deserves an unashamedly glowing tribute like this for no particular reason, it’s her. Dench made her debut with the Old Vic in 1957, meaning she’s been at the top of her game 60 years now. Collaborators line up to enthusiastically explain how marvellous she is, from great pal Ian McKellen to Billy Connolly, who tells how he thought she was falling for him while they made Mrs Brown. He’s told it before, but it’s a good story. Elsewhere, Delicious is a spicy new four-part drama with Ian Glenn as a rich, self-satisfied celebrity chef who’s living the good life with wife Sam (Emilia Fox), but still sleeping with his fellow-cook ex-wife, Gina (Dawn French). Shot in sunny Cornwall, the mix of food and sex is like a throwaway paperback at first, but it gradually twists into a different sort of story.
 
HOGMANAY Saturday 31
And now, the end is near, and it’s all come down to this: UB40 on Jools’s Annual Hootenanny (11.20pm, BBC Two). Meanwhile, BBC One rolls out its traditional Hogmanay barrel. First up is Sanjeev Kohli with Wha’s Like Us (10pm), a wry look at how Scots have been portrayed in movies over the years. At 11pm, hardy perennial Jonathan Watson is back with Only An Excuse, and, at 11.30pm, Jackie Bird helms Hogmanay Live from Glasgow’s Old Fruitmarket. Between you and me, though, the two best things on TV today are nothing to do with The Bells. West Side Stories: The Making Of A Classic (6pm, BBC Two), is a loving documentary on the creation and legacy of the great New York musical, presented by Suzy Klein and exploding Strictly judge Bruno Tonioli. But best of all is CBeebies Bedtime Stories (6.50pm, CBeebies), in which noted movie nutter Tom Hardy (and his dog) read us “You Must Bring a Hat.” If you actually doze off during it and don’t wake again until 2017, it’s a good way to end 2016.