What to watch over the festive period

Saturday, December 17, Channel 4, 8pm

THE APPRENTICE

Still the best reality format on television. There’s Lord Sugar and that chubby, firing finger of his that hovers in the air like a supermarket sausage being levitated by a magician. There’s Karren With Two Rs Brady who shakes her head and tuts at everything anyone says, even when it's pleasant (“Isn’t it a beautiful morning Karren?” “Tut”). And there’s the contestants. The boys: globules of testosterone and hair gel. The girls: a succession of grudges on the verge of tears held together by false eyelashes and fake tan. But relax because tonight’s the final and that means the Apprentice will do what it usually does and reverse the rules of real life. Stupidity, cupidity, hubris and vanity will not be rewarded. Talent and niceness will win.

Sunday, December 18, BBC1, 9pm

LAST TANGO IN HALIFAX

A happy return for the charming drama – happy because, in a society that seems to be increasingly repulsed by ageing, Last Tango portrays the lives of the elderly in a realistic and meaningful way. Its stars Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi are also warm and real, although in the case of Jacobi, you can sometimes see his famous character, Clau-Clau-Claudius, squirming just below the skin, like the alien in John Hurt's stomach, ready to break through at any moment. Tonight, Reid’s character Celia is horrified at the idea of her daughter moving away.

Monday, December 19, BBC1, 9pm

HILDA OGDEN’S LAST TA-RA – A TRIBUTE TO JEAN ALEXANDER

It’s hard to think of a soap character who would deserve this long tribute more than Hilda Ogden. It’s being shown just a few weeks after the death of the woman who played her in Coronation Street, Jean Alexander, and it manages to get at what made her work for more than 20 years - the comedy of her (the “muriel”), the tragedy of her (the fact she always had her curlers in so she’d be ready for the invitation that never came), and the love (in the end, the affection between her and Stan was genuine). Makes of you think of her in the Rovers, singing her last song: Wish Me Luck as You Wave me Goodbye.

Tuesday, December 20, STV, 8pm

SIX WIVES

The head girl of British television historians, Lucy Worsley, takes on the overly familiar subject of Henry VIII’s wives, and does it like she’s writing cruelly honest biogs for the dating app Tinder. Catherine of Aragon is bitter and abandoned, Anne Boleyn is the original other woman and Jane Seymour is bit of a doormat. As for Anne of Cleves, she’s the ugly one, Catherine Howard sleeps around and Catherine Parr is saintly. The twist is that Worsley plays a minor character hovering in the background of the historical re-enactments. Apart from some ropey panto acting, it’s a good idea and in this episode, she witnesses the fate of the last three wives.

Wednesday, December 21, BBC1, 11.40pm

THE SECRET LIFE OF THE ZOO AT CHRISTMAS

Programmes about zoos that don’t properly explore whether it is right to keep animals in captivity are always a little troubling, but the commitment and caring of the staff at Chester are beyond doubt. In a strange way, this also feels much more intimate than the massive Attenborough documentaries with their loud music, sound effects and Hollywood drama. Tonight: the seven-year-itch between bears Toni and Millie, the eating disorder of 23ft long python Bali and the new baby for tapirs Marjorie and Bitong.

Thursday, December 22, Channel 4, 8pm

WILD TALES FROM THE VILLAGE

This is the life of a squirrel shot like the opening sequence of a Bond movie: there’s a high speed chase, a few lucky escapes, a fall from a great height and even an alpha male coming on to the first female he sees (she’s not so keen hence the high-speed chase). The premise of the programme is that we follow the lives of animals that live close to, or in, houses or buildings in a village in France (the squirrels are living in a rooftop) and the photography is stunning. And when we occasionally glimpse the human inhabitants rushing about the place, there’s an interesting moral too: compared to animals, maybe our lives aren’t so brilliant.

Friday, December 23, BBC2, 7.30pm

DAVID WALLIAMS CELEBRATES DAME SHIRLEY BASSEY

After years in which television has rather forgotten what it should be doing at Christmas, here is a warm, welcome reminder of the great Christmas specials of the 1970s. Shirley Bassey was one of the BBC’s big stars then – her first special was shown in 1970 – and this is partly an attempt to recreate those shows, but partly another indulgence of current favourite David Walliams. However, his affection for Dame Shirley is obvious and the show is big enough for her to be herself and tell the loud, spirited story about fragility and loss that’s she’s been telling for 60 years. It’s probably the biggest, shallowest and gayest show on television this Christmas. Make sure you see it.

Christmas Eve, BBC1, 9pm

MAIGRET’S DEAD MAN

With the BBC obsessed with Holmes and planning another version of Poirot, it can sometimes feel that all crime on television is solved by the same three or four male detectives but this version of Maigret is a grower – and we do need a bloody death to counter the forced jollity of today don’t we? Tonight, there have been a series of vicious, murderous attacks on three wealthy farms in Picardy so why is Rowan Atkinson’s Maigret investigating the murder of an obscure anonymous Parisian?

Christmas Day, STV, 9pm

GORDON BUCHANAN: ELEPHANT FAMILY AND ME

Film-maker Gordon Buchanan has still not realised that Scottish cameramen are much less interesting than tigers or bears (does he have to be in the foreground quite so much?) but there’s no doubt about his enthusiasm and love for the wild animals. This programme focuses on Buchanan’s all-time favourite and in particular a group of elephants living in the Tsavo East National Park in Kenya and its great strength is the big dose of reality it gives us about its subject. Yes, elephants are beautiful, but look at that male over there, flexing his muscles and itching for a fight. Elephants are exceptional and fascinating but they can be aggressive and are highly distrustful of humans. And would anyone blame them?

Boxing Day, BBC2, 8.30pm

INSIDE NO 9 – THE DEVIL OF CHRISTMAS

This is a treat for anyone who has spent way too much time watching horror movies of the 1970s: the ones with blood that’s a little too red and acting that’s a little too arch. Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith have spotted the tropes and send them up beautifully while also – and this is the hard bit – building a proper sense of horror amid the campery. In fact, the last few seconds of the episode, with Derek Jacobi doing a whispering voiceover, might be the most disturbing piece of Christmas television ever - although I can’t be sure because I haven’t seen the All Star Mr and Mrs Christmas Special yet.

Tuesday, December 27, BBC2, 10pm

JONATHAN CREEK

There’s a Hammer Horror aesthetic going on in this Jonathan Creek special – Hammer Horror, that is, with a big budget and impressive special effects (the sequence where men are levitated into a fireball is extraordinary). In his interview with The Herald, the star Alan Davies revealed an interesting little fact about how the writer David Renwick comes up with his ideas: he lies face down on the carpet and stays there until he thinks of a plot. This time, it’s about a 19th century sorcerer named Jacob Surtees who seems to be able to summon the powers of Hell to terrorise and subjugate his victims.

Wednesday, December 28, BBC1, 9.30pm

TO WALK INVISIBLE

This dramatised version of the life of the Bronte family includes many of the elements of their lives that we’re familiar with – the isolation up on the moors, the death of their mother when young – but in this version it’s the brother Branwell who is the most interesting. What is like to be a boy in a family of girls? What does it feel like to be eclipsed by your more talented siblings? Perhaps the answer lies in that famous painting Branwell did of the family. At first, he painted all four siblings – then later, he erased himself, leaving a dark space between the sisters where his face used to be. The script is by Happy Valley’s Sally Wainwright.

Thursday, December 29, BBC1, 9pm

NOEL'S SELL OR SWAP LIVE

There’s a danger of television disappearing down a black hole of nostalgia as producers in their 40s and 50s keep looking back to the 1970s and 80s for inspiration, but this revival of Swap Shop is irresistible. Let the memories come back for a minute: the wall chart with the swaps (“Has Viewfinder, Wants Simon Says”), Posh Paws, the purple dinosaur; Eric, the faceless voice from the rafters that would lower the huge globe of postcards and that hit single I Wanna Be A Winner. Does this mean anything at all to you? Then watch this hour of remembering, and then move on.

Friday, December 30, Channel 4, 7pm

PETER PAN GOES WRONG

The biggest theatre comedy hit of the last two years – and deservedly so – was The Play That Goes Wrong, a spoof production of an obscure play that, bit by bit, falls apart. The principle is the same as Michael Frayn’s Noises Off – ie, what happens to the actors is often funnier than the plot – but The Play That Goes Wrong is physical comedy, with every fall, slide and slip-up beautifully done. Tonight’s play is a spin-off along the same lines, except this time it’s Peter Pan. This is not going to go well.

Hogmanay, BBC1, 6.20pm

SHERLOCK: THE SIX THATCHERS

For last year’s Christmas special Holmes and Watson were back where they should be – in Victorian London – so it’s a bit of a pity that we’re stuck with the modern-day setting again. Still, the affection the writer Mark Gatiss feels for the source material is obvious. Tonight, it’s The Adventures of the Six Napoleons that’s getting the makeover. In the original, you will remember, a man was shattering plaster busts of Napoleon for no apparent reason – in this version, the man is destroying pictures of Margaret Thatcher.

Sunday, January 1, BBC1, 8.30pm

BRITAIN'S ANCIENT CAPITAL: SECRETS OF ORKNEY

Orkney has always felt like a place that hasn’t told us the whole story yet, and, to find out more, the BBC have sent Neil Oliver, Chris Packham, and others up there to dig out more. Packham focuses on the DNA of a vole that is unique to the islands, while Oliver explores their tombs and monuments, but the most interesting theory is that, far from being a community out of the edge on the other side of a serious seven-mile stretch of sea, Orkney may, around 3000BC, have been the cultural capital of the ancient world.

Monday, January 2, BBC2, 9pm

THE UNDATEABLES

A potentially awful series that turned out to be just the opposite: wonderful, funny, and warm. The premise is that single people who have struggled to find dates for various reasons – it could be prejudice against a facial disfigurement, a condition like Tourette’s or a learning difficulty – are matched with other single people. Tonight, it’s postie Sam, who has Asperger's syndrome. It can make connecting with other people difficult, but could a second date with Amy be on the cards?

Tuesday, January 3, Channel 4, 10.55pm

NO OFFENCE

When No Offence was first shown last year, it became the 701st police drama to be shown on British television since the 1960s (I’ve counted). The positive sign was that it was written by Paul Abbott, the creator of the extraordinary, exhilarating Shameless. The less positive sign was that the central character, DI Vivienne Deering, was tough, she took no nonsense and her job always came first: in other words, the qualities of every female television cop of the last 40 years. But if you love police dramas, this does it. The second series starts at the funeral of a gangster.

Wednesday, January 4, Channel 4, 9pm

SPIES

Channel 4, 9pm, Thursday, January 5

SAS: Who Dares Wins was one of the best reality formats of 2016 – essentially it involved pushing people until they snapped/cried/called for their mummy, but the physical and emotional strength of the winners was extraordinary. This new series come from the same producers, except that this time, instead of facing the SAS recruitment tests, they go through the Intelligence Officer New Entry Course. In other words, could they make it as a spy? In most ways that matter, this series is better than James Bond.

FIRST DATES HOTEL

More First Dates, which is a good thing because it has taught us so much. Such as: don’t say anything of the following on first dates: "Let's get married", "Have you always been fat?" or "Prison isn't as bad as you think". It has also taught us, astonishingly, that in an age when women are just as likely as men to be earning a wage, many still appear to expect the man to pick up the bill. But most importantly, this charming – and sometimes cringey – dating show has taught us that most humans, most of the time, are nice, most of us get nervous, and most of us try our best. The new series moves the action, or lack of action, to a hotel in the south of France.

Friday, January 6, Channel 4, 11pm