THINGS that go bump in the night. One: Folk falling out of bed. Two: Dodgems in all night funfairs. Three: er … That’s usually about it for most people. Unless of course they choose to move to the Welsh hills and a place by the name of Hellfire Farm, as seen in True Horror (Channel 4, Thursday, 10pm). Then all bets are off.

The Rich family did such a thing, and it did not go well. Between the creepy old lady showing up in the barn, the electricity-gobbling poltergeists, and my favourite, the hooded figure standing at the end of the bed, the joint was jumping with ghouls. All very Amityville.

The story was told via dramatisations and interviews with some of those involved. Given the hardly Ghostbusters-level budget, the programme makers had to make do with a general gloom and a lot of creaking, slamming doors in lieu of more whizz-bang special effects. It hardly mattered when it came to persuading the viewer. You either believe this stuff or you don’t. Neither faction could have been impressed with the way the story wrapped up. After a leisurely hour’s trek through not very much there was a fearsome rush at the end which left questions hanging all over the place like those poor souls in The Sixth Sense.

I see dead people. And I smell ... a new show for all the family by the name of The Button (BBC1, Friday, 8.30pm). The idea was that selected families from “across the country” were each given a big button for a day. It looked a bit like a ghetto blaster, glowed green when inactive, turned red to communicate, and it had one of those Blind Date/Our Graham voices to flirt with mum and jest with dad. Clever. It would have been more so if the programme makers, in their trawl “across the country” for contestants, had travelled further north than Yorkshire. What happened to Scotland? Did the petrol money run out?

The families were given silly tasks to do, like build a tower out of cushions and books, or collect as many forks as possible. The family who managed it correctly won a cash prize, with the ultimate winners taking all. The first task did not go well, with every family failing. If you were searching for Broken Britain, it was here. Eventually they got their respective acts together and some giggles were had. It’s not the new Generation Game but I can see families with young children tuning in. Shame it is not earlier in the evening, or a Saturday.

Still oop north, or for viewers in Scotland down south, a new sitcom arrived. Set in a caravan park in the Lake District, Home from Home (BBC1, Friday, 9.30pm) did not venture very far from tradition, being the tale of two families, one working class, one posh, with mobile homes near each other. So much for the “sit” in the situation comedy.

The “com” largely consisted of Johnny Vegas, playing the dad in the common lot, getting in a tizzy about his boss calling round. Every now and then Susan Calman popped up to play an anorak-wearing conspiracy theorist who also has a home in the park. You had to be there. Actually, you didn’t. The laughs were about as frequent as heatwaves in the Lake District.

Call off the search for the new Ant and Dec. The Queen’s Green Planet (ITV, Monday, 9pm) showed there are a couple of sparky nonagenarians by the name of Att and Liz (better known as Sir David Attenborough and HM The Queen) ready to take over from the diminutive Geordies if required. They’ve got the telly experience (wildlife shows him, Christmas broadcasts her), they’ve got the stage outfits down pat (pearls and chintz versus navy suit and tie), and they’ve got a certain style. All they need is a catchphrase and they’re away. Wonder if Wolfie Smith would mind lending “Power to the People”?

Ordeal by Innocence (BBC1, Sunday, 9pm) shut up shop in highly enjoyable fashion, with justice done and vengeance dispensed. Still, and I say this with the greatest respect old chaps, it was a bit of a swizz. In this space last week I put my money on the housekeeper, Kirsten (Scotland’s Morven Christie) being the killer. As it turned out, she wasn’t. But then I found out later that in the Agatha Christie version Kirsten was indeed the culprit, but writer Sarah Phelps had changed the ending for TV. Am I within my rights to ask the bookie for half my winnings?

I feel a letter to Watchdog Live (BBC1, Wednesday 8pm) coming on. The consumer woes stalwart returned with a programme that featured both parking complaints and puppy farms. Righteous anger poured forth, TV justice was done in the form of a few awkward encounters with bosses and alleged wrong ‘uns, and a nation was calmed for a bit. Now that’s more like it.