THE DIARY: THURSDAY NOVEMBER 13, 2008
READER David Currie was astonished when he saw an advertisement for a new Nissan gas-guzzler called the Nissan Armadale. Why would they name it after a West Lothian town? Is it an indication of how tough it is driving over discarded Buckfast bottles? And was there also a Nissan Bathgate and a Nissan Whitburn?
He realised he ought to get his eyesight checked, as closer inspection showed that it was, in fact, a Nissan Armada LE.
Stone me
A DINER in a London restaurant earlier this month asked how the lamb was cooked and the French waiter replied: "It is marinated in honey, garlic and cement."
Clearly thinking that was incorrect, he quizzed the waiter again who shrugged his shoulders and brought out the chef, who was from Glasgow.
The chef explained to the diner: "I told him it was garlic, honey and some mint."
On a roll
SPEAKING of food, a rugby fan at the All Blacks mauling of Scotland on Saturday at Murrayfield was temporarily distracted by the fan sitting behind him who was complaining about heartburn. "Do you think it was the lasagne, tiramisu or Irish coffee you had at lunchtime?" asked the chap's mate.
"No," he replied. "I think it was the cheeseburger I had afterwards on the way here."
Who says the Scottish diet is a problem?
Not so sweet FA
"So, the Scottish FA are concerned that taking part in a Great Britain team for London 2012 will affect their future voting rights," said a loudmouth in a London bar the other night.
"Who are they kidding, suggesting they would actually get some ginger-haired nobody in the team?"
Quick witted
TALKING about the speed of footballers, as we were, Tom in Strathaven reminds us that former player, now players' union rep, Tony Higgins used to say that when he was with Hibs he had deceptive pace: he was slower than he looked.
Black fronted
WE learn from the exhibition of tattoos by cult American artist Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins at King Tut's in Glasgow this week that Sailor Jerry kept a monkey called Romeo in his tattoo studio in Honolulu, and was particularly irritated one day to find that Romeo had drunk a bottle of tattoo ink.
While he was directing some angry words towards the monkey, a sailor walked in and took offence at Sailor Jerry's treatment of said beast. So Jerry told the sailor he could have him.
The monkey expressed its gratitude by immediately throwing up black ink all over the sailor's pristine white uniform.
Ashore thing
OUR story about MSP Margo MacDonald poking a little fun at Saltcoats, pictured, reminds Robert Forsyth: "I was standing in a queue at an ATM in Saltcoats in the summer and the man in front asked if I had seen the large cruise liner in the bay which was offloading passengers to enable them to do some shopping in Saltcoats.
"True enough, there was a large ship but I heard later that it was anchored off Ardrossan to allow its passengers to travel on the CalMac ferry for a tour of Arran.
"Sadly, a more likely explanation, I thought."
Well named
"In these trying times, it is cheering to note that the chief executive of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents is one Tom Mullarkey," says reader Ken Nicholson of Glasgow.
Divine inspiration
A READER at church on Sunday was told a tale of the two friends discussing whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
To settle it, one asked the priest who said no, it would be disrespectful.
But his pal said he had asked the wrong question, and so he went to the priest and asked: "May I pray while I smoke?"
To which the priest replied: "By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
