THE DIARY MONDAY JUNE 29, 2009

IT'S been four days since the death of one of the world's most-loved performers, a true American showbiz icon. Yes, Farrah Fawcett now really is one of Charlie's Angels. But in that period lots of e-mails have flooded in featuring the other celeb whose star stopped twinkling on that very same day.

Many of the Michael Jackson comments have been a little crass and insensitive. And, as such, hard to resist. Rab Armstrong of Falkirk writes: "Michael Jackson is dead but the cause of death is uncertain. The coroner is undecided on whether to blame it on the sunshine, the moonlight, the good times - or, in fact, the boogie."

Selling point
HOWEVER, we did smile at Laura Reilly of Ardrossan's rather more esoteric effort which flashes up the internet auction site which offered: For sale: one rubber nose, one sparkly white glove . . . one bag of sweets.

Hard to imagine
AND we have to admit we almost laughed at the alphabet-inspired humour of Ian Friel of Paisely who texted the line: "Seems CPR isn't as easy as ABC."

It doesn't add up
STILL on the subject of the loss of the mega star, Alan Matthews of Glasgow watched the extensive coverage on BBC news and heard one of its LA-based reporters state that 50-year-old Jackson had been in the public eye since he was five years old.

"He's been in showbiz 95% of his life," said the BBC man whose expenses claims, we hope, owe more to arithmetic prowess.

Suits you!
ENTERTAINER Allan Stewart can exclusively reveal how he was responsible for Michael Jackson's sartorial elegance.

Sort of.

"I was on the bill alongside Michael and the Jackson Five at the King's Theatre in Glasgow in 1978 when we played the Queen's Jubilee show," he recalls. "On the way to the stage I passed Michael and he said (high-pitched voice) Hey, I love your tuxedo.' Thank you, Michael.' Where did you get it?' Robert Dick of Dennistoun.' Oh, wow!' "And that was the end of the conversation. But a year later, the album cover of Off The Wall revealed Michael to be wearing a suit which was remarkably similar to my very own Dick creation."

The self-restrained Allan added: "It's quite clear Michael copied me."

Skelly's eye
ON the subject of passing legends, Radio Clyde supremo Paul Cooney left the Clydebank-based station on Friday to pursue new options.

One of his colleagues at the leaving do pointed out that the immensely popular Paul will be sorely missed - if only for his diplomatic skills. "A few years back, Clyde were in heavy discussions with top car dealers Ian Skelly over the sponsorship of their traffic helicopter. And a boardroom meeting took place with ad agency high-fliers from down south who were keen to announce their catchy title for the new project. We'll call it The Skelly Eye In The Sky?' said one ad man, excitedly.

"Thankfully, a straight-faced Paul was on hand to make sure a new option was chosen, which didn't suggest a slightly defective sight organ and explain, gently, why that tag line wouldn't really work in the west of Scotland."

Inside information
HERE'S another poser, courtesy of Alasdair Ireland in Kirn, Argyll. "I heard Radio Scotland trailing its outdoor conditions forecast' this morning. Do they do an indoor conditions forecast, too?"

Mean time
IT SEEMS the regulars of one Dunoon pub are frighteningly thrifty. "One of the customers died and the pub organised a whip round for his wife," informs Des Divers. "The money was counted up and came to £17.50. Who put in 50p?' asked the landlord. Everyone!' replied the regulars."