HOW galling it was for Glasgow's civic leaderstospendperfectlygood council taxpayers' money on a report about the future of the city and last week be told conclusions they do not want to hear.

Melissa Mean, of Demos, the think tank which carried out the survey, said: "In terms of new ideas to sustain the urban renaissance, our cities are running on empty. The cultural arms race of mainstream regeneration policy has become formulaic and is delivering diminishing returns for people and places. When every city has commissioned a celebrity architect and pedestrianised a cultural quarter, our cities are at risk of all becoming the same."

Ms Mean referred to "the growing imagination deficit holding back UK cities". She was not talking just about our dear green place. But the remarks were made in the context of a report called The Dreaming City: Glasgow 2020 and the power of mass imagination. (There may have been a wee hint in the title of what the city fathers could have expected.) Ms Mean claimed city officialdom had a blinkered vision constructed of buzz phrases such as "step change and transformation", "world-class city", "opportunity and choice", "one voice, one vision", which were alien to the population at large.

What Ms Mean said was: "Told in jargon-laden language by a spidery organogram of organisations in a web of strategy documents and conference speeches, the official future is a set of implicit assumptions which constrain a city's parameters for innovation and decision-making." Which is niftily jargonesque in its own right.

The Demos people's first language appears to be a new age, touchy-feely version of consultancy speak. In their report, Demos speak of "the importance of story in imagining the future". They asked Glaswegians to make a wish for Glasgow. Freepost wish cards were bound into a wishbook - "an indestructible totem that will live for centuries".

Demos recommended "assemblies of hope", networks of individuals who could get together to help shape the city's future and find space for everyone from "alchemists to imagineers".

The use of such language and fanciful concepts enabled Glasgow City Council spokespersons to rubbish the report. It was condemned as "nothing less than an insult to the many Glaswegians who gave up their time to take part. Bizarre would be a charitable way to describe some of the report's conclusions". The Demos terminology was dismissed as "meaningless nonsense".

What we have here are consultants and council officials divided by a common language. There is no shortage of jargon at the City Chambers.

Recently, inspired by a call to civic action by council leader Steven Purcell, I had a look at the workings of the Local Community Planning Partnership in the West End, my own barrio.

The role of the LCPP (you will have to get used to initials here) is to "meet the needs of local residents, but also ensure that our activities fit with the city-wide strategic objectives of creating a healthy, learning, safe, vibrant and working Glasgow". Laudable ideals.

The West LCPP is run by an Area Manager, two Regeneration Managers, two Development Officers, one Administration Officer, and one Clerical Officer. (The council's capital letters, not mine.) Some £4.9 million of grant aid is channelled through the LCPP to improve the neighbourhood.

But a wee keek at the minutes reveals that there are priorities such as establishing a Single Monitoring Framework (SMF). As you know an SMF is required to "allow the ongoing gathering of information that evidences projects achieving their outputs".

You will be pleased to hear that a Community Engagement Co-ordinating Group (CEGG) has been established within the LCPP. Much work was still to be done such as the LCPP agreeing a remit for the CEGG. Then there was the business of mapping existing community engagement activity and current resource allocations. Luckily, help was on the way with the appointment of a further five Community Engagement Co-ordinators.

The work of the CEGG would be conducted, of course, within the National Standards for Community Engagement. These, I don't need to tell you, consist of 10 statements of commitment, each of which has a set of indicators that can be measured by participants to see whether the standards are being met. There's a lot more which I will not trouble you with, although some readers may be aching to know about Hub Reference Groups (HRGs).

So, on the one hand we spend millions of pounds forregenerationmanagersandcommunity engagementco-ordinatorstositinendless meetings. On the other hand we give Demos think-tankers a modest £200,000 to hold story-telling sessions and urge citizens to imagine their city.

Neither are relevant to Glasgow's future. The LCPPs and the CEGGs at least keep local people in employment. The Demos Dreaming Glasgow project came in quite cheap - although it would have been cheaper and possibly just as effective to get our Mrs McGlumpher to assay Glasgow's future by reading the Lord Provost's teacup.

As consultants do, the Demos people told us things we already knew such as: "It is people who make cities, not institutions, buildings or grand plans."

They also told us Rab C Nesbitt's wife was called Mary Doll. And apparently, Glasgow used to build a lot of ships, famous ones such as the Queen Mary. Not a lot of people know that.

One of Demos's imagined futures for Glasgow is the Hard City. Teenagers are temporarily sterilised to avoid unwanted pregnancies. Children who break rules at schools are interned in Ned-Camps. Entire families are under curfew. Smoking is banned in the home. Crime has dramatically reduced and the city is much neater, cleaner and quieter, apart from the constant growl from the police helicopters swirling overhead.

Let's hope the Glasgow council leaders do not see the Hard City as the one viable option in the Demos project.

Finally, the report includes a calendar for 2020 which reveals an important piece of information. My birthday, February 9, is on a Sunday. Gifts of fine wine and cigars (Cohiba Lanceros for preference) to the usual address. (It should be pointed out that the Demos think tank is not connected with Mr Roussos, the Greek singer.) More for King Alex's wishlist WE will have to wait and see how Alex Salmond's first 100 days in charge turn out. The first 10 have been pretty promising.

Spared by the reality of a minority administration from actually having to do anything, the SNP first minister and his team have been able to indulge in some delicious claymore-rattling and wishful thinking.

A Scottish Olympic team? Absolutely. It's Scotland's gold, silver or bronze. Scotland to host the Euro 2020 football championships? Long overdue. Cue chants of We're Gonnae Qualify.

I would like to add my own pet projects to the wish-list. Can we please rebuild Hampden? The last makeover was a hauf-ersed attempt. We should be able to upgrade the national football stadium to 100,000 capacity for under £500m.

Let's tell the British government that we are imposing a rent of £1bn a year for their submarine base at Faslane. If they don't like it, they can move and let some sleepy inlet down south get a good view of world war three.

Let's join Glasgow and Edinburgh with one of those maglev railway systems that will reduce the journey to about 20 minutes, even if it leaves less time to join the Falkirk High club.

Let's maintain Jack McConnell's campaign against the filthy habit of smoking cigarettes but make an exception for the consumption in public places of the occasional stress-relieving cigar. (Donations of Cohiba Lanceros to the usual address.) A shellfish plug GLASGOW is flexing its mussels with the Alive Alive O' Festival, the third annual celebration of Scotland's molluscs and bivalves. There are special offers on the food front - buy one bivalve and get a second bivalvefree-whichmakesthese mollusc moments all the merrier.

The Ubiquitous Chip and its Stravaigin and Liquid Ship stablemates are making the running menu-wise. Boiled Mallaig whelks at £1.25. Your shellfish bisque with ginger mayonnaise at £2.50. There are no-mean Loch Linnhe razor clams farcies available at £4.95.

Late licences to 1am are also involved. Patrons are requested to drink wisely. Ca' canny and don't get as fu' as a wulk.