Chest the job

Dundee-born Oonagh O'Hagan was being interviewed on radio about her humorous book on flat-sharing, I Lick My Cheese, when reader Alan Couperwhite heard her declare: "I was pulling my hair out. I just wanted to get it off my chest."

And he thought that was a strange thing to say - even for a girl from Dundee.

I'll vote for that
Latest news from Iran where supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has surveyed the public on whether they think the election result should stand. The survey showed 34% thought it was rigged, 10% didn't know and 144% thought everything was above board.

Love is in the air
Holiday time reminds reader Cathy Macdonald in Balloch of when she worked in BA's ticketing office, and a member of staff had written down that a customer lived in a house called "Iloveyou". What a wonderful romantic notion, thought Cathy, until she phoned the customer living on Scotland's west coast who informed her the house was, in fact, named "Islay View".

Animus magic
Peter Clark was on holiday in Sardinia recently where the hotel brochure stated: "Our animation team will entertain our little guests, from four to 14 years, with calm and gentle animosity."

Which was probably nearer the truth.

Sums down under
Arithmetically-challenged shop assistants, continued. Alastair Wilson was in a high-class department store in Sydney when he noticed a $7.99 item which had been reduced to half price.

"I'll take two," said Alastair, reaching in his pocket for the $7.99.

As he did so, the assistant took out paper and pencil, wrote down $7.99 and attempted to divide it by two. She took three attempts and had three different answers. She then randomly selected two of them, added them together, and triumphantly asked Alastair for $8.02.

He found it easier to pay the extra three cents than get into a lengthy discussion.

Hat's the way to do it
The best-selling Scottish book just now is The Broons' Days Oot, a collection of suggested day trips by the country's favourite cartoon family. Broons writer David Donaldson, who put the collection together, was recently promoting the various Broons books in Glasgow while wearing a tweed bunnet to give him an authentic Paw Broon look. At the, time his grey hair was quite long and flourished below the cap.

David didn't realise that it looked like a grey version of the "See You Jimmy" hats favoured by ironic Scottish football fans, as when he took the hat off, leaving his hair in place, one punter blurted out: "Bloody hell, it's real!"

Show-stoppers
Reader Stephen Henson was in the Ashoka restaurant in the west end's Ashton Lane this week when a table of Americans burst into close harmony singing like a barbershop quartet. They were good, and their song was rewarded with a round of cheerful applause from fellow diners.

Says Stephen: "Five minutes later they obviously thought they would treat us again.

"Well, Glasgow being Glasgow, once is clever, twice is just showing off, so the second rendition finished to the continued rhubarb of conversation, as they were completely ignored."

Monkey business
BBC world affairs editor John Simpson says in the latest issue of Lonely Planet Magazine that he had to eat monkey while living with the Ashaninca people in the Amazon, and adds: "It's nothing a slug of single malt Scotch can't wash away afterwards."

We are still trying to work out if that's a compliment or not.