After the vote, let's all be friends

Of course, this is absolutely no surprise to anyone who's ever attended a Glasgow wedding.

I once played in a band at a wedding where it was agreed between the attendees that the fighting should start before the speeches had finished, with a view to getting all the bad feeling out of the way early. Punches thrown and insults traded, everyone settled down and a good night was duly had by all. With all the familial disagreement regarding next week's vote however, I've started to wonder how one of Scotland's most famous family would deal with such a stooshie.

I'm talking of course about the happy family who make every family happy: The Broons.

Leaving Paw and Maw Broon aside for a minute, I can see the various siblings having robust discussions at 10 Glebe Street and possibly even down at The But'n'Ben.

Hen and Joe would doubtless be leading the debate.

Hen, who is clearly Donald Dewar in disguise, is bound to be a Yes man and Joe, as befits someone with a background in boxing would be a rabid Yes with a definite interest in throwing eggs, if not left jabs, at anyone not sharing his definitive opinions.

Daphne Broon has always been one for change as evidenced by her devotion to cranky diets, wardrobe overhauls and face transplants, so she'd probably be a Yes too.

Maggie on the other hand, as something of a middle class aspirant, would tend toward No and Horace, a schoolboy first time voter looks to me to be exactly the sort of nerdy type who comprise New Labour these days.

Therefore, almost certainly a No, there too.

Unfortunately the Twins and the Bairn won't have the opportunity to vote. Not because they're too young but because their parents never saw the need to actually give them names - Bairn Broon , Twin Broon and ither Twin Broon being unlikely to satisfy the rigid requirements of the Electoral Registry.

You can just picture them all giving it Tokyo in the living room, deaf to the demands of Paw for them all to calm down and engage in a good old fashioned game of hunt the thimble.

As we all know however, the situation would be fully resolved by the final panel, when it was revealed that the whole sticky mess was as a result of the Bairn misinterpreting something that Granpaw told his old chums down at the Bowling Club.

If only real life was that simple.

I've started to wonder what will actually happen in Scotland after the count. Given that there's unlikely to be a landslide either way, quite a lot of people are likely to be disgruntled next Friday morning, not exactly the best recipe for a new dawn whichever way you look at it.

You might say that every election provides this outcome but in my experience most families traditionally tend to vote the same way, a situation that doesn't seem to be the case this time around.

The last election I followed with any great interest was the Labour landslide of 1997. I have to say however that my unrestrained joy at the outcome was more to do with the Tories getting a right good doing rather than the emergence of New Labour and their smarmy leader Tory Blair.

Great fun there was to be had that night on TV. How we guffawed as numerous famous Conservative names had their pathetic results read out, with them all being obliged to smile philosophically, something none managed to do very convincingly.

Highlights were Michael Portillo and the much hated wee Michael Forsyth who had the additional problem of everyone finding out that his middle name was, superbly, Bruce.

Didn't he do well? Um, no, not really.

Apart from the unquestionable delight in seeing so many true-blue Tories getting their jotters, there actually wasn't all that much to celebrate in 1997 as it led to the emergence of con men like Blair, Blunkett and the 2nd most boring man in politics, Alistair Darling.

(I would have called him the most boring in politics but have resisted as that, in itself might make him quite interesting.)

Alistair, as we know, has now been trusted with the admittedly difficult task of leading the No campaign. Difficult since espousing a vote with such a negative connotation would be hard for any Politician, far less one with such a comprehensive charisma bypass.

I've always thought a comma and a question mark attached to Alistair's name might have gone some way to improving his image.

As in 'Alistair, darling?'

'Yes, dear?'

I think you mean No, sweetheart.

After the votes have been counted, maybe we should consider a great big party where every Scot, regardless of affiliations should be invited and where, like the aforementioned wedding, the expected barney should commence straight off, after which everyone settles down together to enjoy a wee bevy.

The Broons would surely be up for it and maybe they could invite that well-known party animal, Oor Wullie.

After all, everybody knows how much he enjoys a good bucket.