So I bought some hair clippers at the weekend. The radiotherapy-inspired hair loss is now starting to look a bit, well, medical; the time may have come.
The thing is, I'm getting quite close to the end of my treatment. Next Thursday is my last head-zapping, after which my hair may well start to grow back. So I'm a little reluctant to take the plunge.
Here's the scenario: From the front - things don't look so bad, possibly because I have a freakishly large head which is hard to take in all at once from close up. My left side and top appear fine, my right side a bit oddly thin, like normal male-pattern baldness which has for some reason slipped a bit.
From the left - I look completely OK. I think there is a spot of thinning behind my left ear, truth be told; it's likely, since that's the way out for the cosmic rays which are beamed in from the right on a daily basis. But my hair was trimmed in there, anyway, to balance up the post-surgical regrowth on the right, so it's not obvious.
From the right and from the back – all starting to look a bit like I'm an in-patient at Huntingdon Life Sciences, I'm afraid. No part is entirely bald, but it ranges from fluffy behind the ear to just a bit comb-over higher up. And the line is stark, from full-growth to straggling grey with no blending.
So the options are to leave it all well alone, go for some kind of all-over evening-off, or perhaps try something more exotic.
To be honest, I'm quite keen on the first. I'm old enough to be sufficiently lacking in vanity just to simply ignore it. However, I am starting to notice people's eyes drawn irresistibly to the uneven baldiness and the now very visible operation scar, and I do like to pass anonymously. I can and do wear a hat when I'm out at the moment, but I hate wearing it indoors, even in shops, and I'm sick of having to empty it every time I go to put it on.
So, the second option, perhaps. Well, as I've said before, I have nothing against the Kojak look. But it only really works well when you're thin or black.
I'm neither: in fact, as a bit of a natural chunky monkey recently enhanced by a steroid appetite, I have a vague worry I'll look like an Essex stereotype replete with cranial scarring and toast-rack neck.
On the other hand, I love ska music and have some quite nice Ben Sherman gear and newish Doc Martens, so I could trim down to suedehead and go for that look. That might be interesting. Or life-threatening.
The third option? Well, I could shave in both sides for a bit of an Eighties indie thing, but I hated the pale wet tossers who did that back then, so why would I want to join their ranks 25 years after the event? I could go a step further and try the baby Mohawk but, again, it's a bit Eighties and old punks need to have an air of commitment I'm going to lack.
And there is a more modern approach – I have noticed that the youthful aficionados of hippity-hoppity music are much taken to carving asymmetrical patterns and perhaps the tag of their favourite crew into their cropped crowning glory: I'm thinking something a bit like corn-circles, with the Radio Four logo on one side.
Think it'll work? All suggestions gratefully received.
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