A few years ago, an Aussie so-called comedy show - think Graham Norton but not as camp and significantly less funny (hard to believe I know) - featured a guest performance by The Proclaimers.

As the boys sang their song the entire studio set collapsed around them, the idea being that the whole thing was so awful even inanimate objects felt the need to object.

Hilarious huh? There was much local sniggering but frankly the overall effect was to make Craig and Charlie look like - well, a right pair of Charlies.

I remember being mildly outraged. Which was ridiculous, because I hate The Proclaimers and always have done. Something about them - I think it's their sound, their look, their songs and possibly their haircuts - has always got right on my thruppennies.

Essentially I put The Proclaimers in the same basket as Susan Boyle and The Alexander Brothers. An embarrassment to Scotland basically, a musical catalogue which strangely enough never ever seems to get any shorter.

So given my distaste, why was I so incensed? I'm anything but a fan and let's face it, they signed up for the humiliating gig, why would I care? But I do. And I did.

See, it's okay for me to dislike The Proclaimers - to slag them off, to regard them as a bit of a joke - but that doesn't mean I would want anyone else - and certainly not the Aussies - doing the same thing.

It's not like I'm a patriot or anything. I'm not and anyway isn't patriotism supposed to be the last refuge of scoundrels? (Not that I intrinsically have anything against scoundrels.)

I don't think I'm a patriot. But maybe I am. It's complicated. Take football for instance. For years I have to admit that I've taken a somewhat perverse pleasure in the hapless antics of the Scottish national team, almost basking in their regular failures and cock-ups. That's not very patriotic is it?

I've always tried to justify it by relating it to the shortcomings and ineptitude of the various coaches the team have had over the years - none of whom I've rated.

In the cases of Berti Vogts, George Burley and Craig Levein this has been as a result of the clear fact they didn't know what they were doing and, when it came to Alex McLeish and Walter Smith, it was because they were bluenoses.

Obviously this shouldn't be a consideration since we now have Wee Gordon Strachan. But then again, he's a ginga.

I don't like anyone else slagging them off though. Not the Australians anyway. And definitely not the English.

Is that patriotism? I don't know. It's pretty weird however, isn't it?

At times like this, the start of a World Cup finals campaign, I'm desperate for Scotland to be there. Of course, we'd probably get gubbed, but we wouldn't care about that. In fact, we must be the only nation in the football world who expects to be gubbed. We're almost disappointed when we're not. Or is that just me?

Given this quasi-philosophy who should we - and by we I mean me - follow in Brazil 2014?

Well, if it's about that schadenfreude thing, glorying in the misfortune of others, there's quite clearly no contest. Who does the entire tartan diaspora wish nothing but the worst possible tournament upon?

Well, England obviously. But that's too easy. That they'll have a shocker is a banker bet. For a few reasons. Firstly they've been ridiculously built up by the media. Secondly, they're crap. And finally, they're English.

And anyway, wishing and hoping England will get emptied isn't actually supporting them - it's supporting whoever plays them.

No fun in that. Too fragmented. Who therefore should we - and again I mean me - actually get behind?

Australia? After all, I live here, have lots of Aussie mates, know most of the team and will have access to all of their games.

Sorry, but I don't want the Aussies to do well. Are you kidding? I'd never hear the end of it. Luckily, it's not likely to happen, they're even more crap that the English.

Which leaves - Brazil? The sorcerers of the samba, the masters of the mambo and a team which already looks like it has the whole weight of a disgruntled nation, mightily pissed off about reckless spending of the Brazilian authorities - resting heavily on its shoulders? No, not Brazil. Too predictable.

Another South American team perhaps - Argentina or Uruguay? Costa Rica? (Yes, I know all you pedants - it's actually in Central America).

No, I don't think so. Well, they've all beaten us - cheated us in truth - in recent memory. Spain or Germany - given that they're both pretty good?

Well you can write off the Germans for obvious (if completely bonkers) reasons and given that Spain are the current champions; you have to say the tournament is only theirs to lose.

It's a tricky one - and unless you follow a team, watching any sporting event is never as much fun as having a personal stake - I say this as someone who only really enjoyed Kabadi when it was on Channel 4. (I was always a Bengal Police man.)

So, after weighing it all up, I've reached a totally logical and practical decision. Greece. Because my girlfriend is Greek, I'll be watching the games with her and if they win she'll be happy and if she's happy I'm happy.

And if they get gubbed and I'm supporting them, I'll also be happy.See, I'm Scottish. We're like that. Or at least, I am.

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