This week, my companion and I left a preview screening of the new Liberace bio-pic, Behind The Candelabra, sickened by the display of excess and vulgarity we’d just witnessed.

Not the glittery posing pouches, ermine capes and saccharine music - loved all that - no, our nausea and throbbing nappers were brought on by the sheer strain of trying to concentrate on the on-screen action for almost two hours, surrounded by people for whom the film was just a minor accompaniment to the important business of the evening - eating while making as much noise as possible.

On one side were two young men who chomped their way through a giant paper sack of crunchy snacks. Like Hermione’s magic, bottomless bag in Harry Potter, its contents kept the guzzling duo fully scranned up until ten minutes from the end of the film.

The bag was rattled and ginger was sooked through a straw from a plastic cup. An ice-filled cup, which, when the liquid content was drained, was then rattled to break up the ice and provide more sooking potential.

Worst of all, the loudest sooking and rattling took place during the quiet, poignant moments. Though, to be fair, the duo probably didn’t realise that, as the sound of their ever-moving mandibles must have drowned out all the dialogue, along with our protests.

Meanwhile, on the other side, was a girl who sat with her nachos ‘n’ dip in a handy plastic tray. Unlike the blokes, she was aware that noise was an issue, so she delicately dunked her chips, then nibbled quietly, like a really annoying mouse. A mouse that kept leaping from nacho to dip to mouth. Nacho to dip to mouth. Right in my eye-line.

It’s a testament to Michael Douglas and Matt Damon’s acting skills, as Liberace and his young lover, Scott Thorson, that, despite the Breugelesque troughing that surrounded us, we were able to focus on the film as much as we did.

The multiplexes rake in huge profits on the sale of junk food, so they’ll never ban the scran. At the same time, they can’t afford to lose what must be a large percentage of the audience who want to enjoy the big screen experience in peace. The solution? Enable us to listen on headphones. It would also be a bonus for folk traumatised by the ear-splitting volume of many trailers and features - they could turn the sound down.

Does any picture house in Scotland offer this? I would opt for this kind of Silent Cinema every time.

 

A Woody Guthrie song provides the title of a political theatre show that’s touring Scotland. Why Do You Stand There In The Rain?, Peter Arnott’s play about the Bonus Army - US 1st World War vets who were brutally treated by President Hoover’s government - is a collaboration with Malibu’s Pepperdine University. With songs by Guthrie, Leadbelly and Bessie Smith, think Glee meets 7:84. Check out the Pepperdine drama website for details of the extensive Scottish tour.