Four months out from the 2015 general election, and the he-said-she-said of British party politics is already under way in the halls of our great leaders and their tabloid counterparts.
Dave won't go to the debate without the newly popular girl, Natalie, but Eddy's stamping his foot because he knows Dave's only inviting her to show him up.
Nick is trying to keep quiet since losing his inoffensive status in record time after cosying up with the school bully, Dave; and everyone is unnerved at how easily Nige pleases with his bromidically offensive patter.
Meanwhile, there appears to be some hoyden growing followers in the North, threatening to gatecrash the whole, perfectly civil event.
I can't help but wonder: when did we become the disappointed audience in someone's badly cast and cliche-ridden teen movie?
Staying true to the genre, the plot ricochets the public between privileged assholes you love to hate, loud-mouthed bags of air, and bullied underdogs, all with differing degrees of toxicity.
The only redeeming feature of this one-star wonder is the uncharacteristic choice of female heroes who don't portend the downfall of one another.
Beyond being offended by the column space taken up by the political pantomime, I sense a more insidious and timeless issue at hand.
While the magician flourishes to the left and right of the box, it is with a graceful sleight of hand that the trick is completed, before the audience even knows it.
The nuance of vital differences in party politics are often completely lost in the clickbait stream of political gossip. It dumbs us down. It forces us to continually equate personalities with ideologies and parties with gangs, without examining what these parties will fight for if we vote for them.
It simplifies politics into the good guys and the bad guys, and develops into entrenched and ineffective loyalty voting like that of Labour in Scotland. And we need to stop it.
While the recent surges in party membership shows an encouraging trajectory for participation in Scotland, this is only the tip of the the energised electorate's iceberg.
Across Scotland right now, there are people from widely differing backgrounds gathering in dinky town halls, who are coming together to talk about the society they want to live in, and how they can get there.
I know, I attend them all the time. They are not all experts, and they are not all impartial, but they're starting with a conversation on a topic they are passionate about, whether it be fracking or austerity, racism or poverty.
The politics I want is not about famous men in suits, or the 'who said what' of party press release media.
It's about locating the issues we need to tackle, making the case for how we do it, and holding our elected representatives to account.
If you do one thing this month to escape the tangled web of general election campaigns, go to one of these meetings - they're not hard to find, and they will always need support.
This time round, I hope the party isn't invited.
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