It's Father's Day tomorrow.

Those readers who aren't fathers can just ignore that previous sentence and everything it implies and get on with doing the sorts of things non-dads do every Sunday of the year. Casting my mind back to my own pre-Dad days these might include some or all of the following: lounging in bed until 11am, going to the pub, staying in the pub longer than is healthy, coming home, eating a whole tube of Pringles, kicking back with a DVD of Aliens – "We're on an express elevator to hell!" – then going to bed without brushing my teeth.

But those who have entered the Land Of Dad will know there are traditions to be endured tomorrow. First and foremost is the offering up of a novelty Father's Day card but presents are given too. Dad presents. You know the sort thing, but if you don't, here is my Handy List Of Five Things Most Men Don't Want As A Father's Day Gift Despite Four Of Them Being Prominently Displayed In The Supermarket This Week:

1 A Jason Statham DVD Collection

I've never watched Transporter or any of its 46 sequels and I don't want to. If I was on a transatlantic flight and the only other film available was The Piano, then I'd probably watch The Expendables. But only because Jet Li's in it. I'll wager most men feel the same.

2 Who's The Daddy? Family Guy pants

Love Family Guy, love pants but, in this case, two rights do make a wrong.

3 Fart Detector Father's Day card

They exist. I've seen them.

4 World's Best Dad T-shirt/mug/tea towel/badge

Especially not the T-shirt. Ditto anything that makes reference to Darth Vader or sheds.

5 Mushroom making kit

Got one last year and I still haven't used it. The spare room's damp enough without encouraging funghi to grow in it.

And, because I like to finish on a sour note, here are three things I would like but won't get:

1 A tub of pistachio ice-cream

Or, better, still, a bucket of it plus a coconut and macadamia-flavoured spade to eat it with. Sourcing pistachio ice cream is a Herculean task in these days of nut allergies, however, though my Deep Throat at noted Edinburgh ice cream makers S Luca tells me he has an off-the-grid supply in the firm's Musselburgh shop.

2 Coffee

Forget tea in bed, what I want tomorrow is a double shot of espresso served with frothed milk and a shake-over dusting of hot chocolate in the shape of the Gaggia Brera which has been bought for me and installed in the kitchen.

3 A June 16 start to the football season

If the World Cup finals can go to Qatar, then anything's possible where there's a will and a way (and maybe a numbered Swiss bank account).

Happy Father's Day.

barry.didcock@heraldandtimes.co.uk

Twitter: @barrydidcock