You may have heard about a massive sociological survey the BBC has undertaken in conjunction with some university types somewhere.

Together the Beeb and the boffins have mapped the social divisions in 21st-century Britain and come up with a new model made up of seven groups. You may even have done the online "class calculator" to see which one you fall into.

If you have, you're probably still hiding under your Ikea table with your head in your hands wishing you hadn't lied about visiting stately homes in your spare time.

If you haven't, don't: I did it twice and it still came out the same – technical middle class (TMC). And this despite the fact that I ignored the box asking if I use Twitter or Facebook.

A TMC person, by the way, is a member of "a small and prosperous new class group" who only mix socially with people similar to themselves, prefer social media to highbrow culture, live in suburban southern England and tend to work in science or research. None of that sounds like me. Especially not the prosperous bit.

Still, if nothing else, I can use my newfound TMC-ness as an excuse to overhaul my wardrobe and dress more like the prosperous, social media-using, relatively friendless suburban person I am now supposed to be.

First of all, I'll need a grey hoodie. Prosperous social-media-using Facebook supremo Mark Zuckerberg has popularised the item, so it seems appropriate. In fact, I think it deserves to be included in those 10 Items Every Man Should Have lists because, let's face it, it's more useful than a pair of black brogues, cheaper than a pair of Ray-Bans and less likely than a black polo-neck to make people think you're on your way to a meeting of existential poets with a box of Milk Tray in your haversack.

In fact, scrub the haversack. What I need is a man bag, in particular that specific type of man bag into which fits an iPad. I don't actually have an iPad (if you re-read the bit about not using social media you can probably work out how technically illiterate I am) but I can always use it to carry my sandwiches, if the missus slices the bread really thinly and ditches the lettuce.

As with the grey hoodie, this will make me bang on trend. According to the FT's Charlie Porter, the iPad-sized man bag was the must-have style item at the recent round of fashion weeks. I'll probably pass on Prada's £3590 crocodile-skin version, though, and stick to something cheaper from PC World.

Finally, I'll need some kind of slogan T-shirt to proclaim my newfound social-status. Something like "TMC and lovin' it" should do the trick. It's an absolute lie, of course, but what can we mortals do when the arbiters of class have spoken?

barry.didcock@heraldandtimes.co.uk