As a fashion professional whose job it is to make a close reading of the trade press and associated lifestyle magazines, I have grown tired of those 10 Things Every Man Should Have In His Wardrobe articles.
Especially when they include cardigans, deck shoes or rugby shirts. Similarly I hate those 10 Things No Man Should Have In His Wardrobe lists, mainly because they always include Crocs and I like Crocs. So I offer you a third way: 10 Things 100% Of Men Would Like To Own But Which 99.99% Never Will.
1) A 152in television
That's more than 12ft across, in case your maths isn't up to the job. Made by Panasonic, they went on sale last year and people are actually buying them despite the £380,000 price. Imagine the thrill of seeing Alan Hansen that big!
2) A diamond mine
American R&B star Akon has one in South Africa. Mind you, in the time it takes you to read his full name – Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam – you could probably have grown some of your own in the coal cellar.
3) A Louis Vuitton golf bag
No more schlepping round with a faded tartan pencil bag: with this baby you'll be the talk of the clubhouse. Comes in the LV design (tacky) or with a more subtle covering of Damier Geant canvas. Price? Around £7000.
4) A cash machine
NBA star DeShawn Stevenson has one in his kitchen which he keeps stocked with $11,000. No more late-night trips to the 7/11 for him.
5) A replica Iron Throne from TV series Game Of Thrones
You'd need about the same headroom as an NBA star to house this monster, which is from made hand-painted fibreglass, stands over 7ft tall and weighs 158kg. You'd also need £20,000.
6) A watch-phone
It's a watch! It's a mechanical smartphone! It's called LeDix Furtif and it costs £200,000!
7) An app
And not just any old Angry Birds-style app, either, but custom built for you alone. Rumour has it Downing Street boffins cooked one up for David Cameron so he can look at NHS waiting lists in real time.
8) A vintage pinball machine
A reconditioned Back To The Future machine will set you back around £3200 and the company selling them charges an extra £59 to hump it up the stairs. Either way it's worth it. It plays ZZ Top and Huey Lewis And The News, but you can probably turn them off.
9) A Star Wars-themed in-car GPS system
It does the voices, basically. Get far with Yoda the directions doing you will not – but an earful of Darth Vader should sharpen the senses.
10) An island
There's one for sale in Belize called Captain Willy's Caye which appeals. If you want to stay closer to home, check out the 36-acre Eilean Balnagowan in Cuil Bay between Oban and Fort William. Yours for about the price of a 152in telly.
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