DINNER over (freakishly expensive little sachets of freshly whipped salmon mousse and watercress for them, stale cheese and toast for me), I gathered my two cats together for a house meeting.
"I don't know how much of this you're necessarily going to understand," I began, "but something important has come up.
"There's been a lot of stuff in the news about domestic cats, like the way cats in multi-cat households get on with each other."
Dylan, the younger one, gazed at me levelly, the very definition of feline inscrutability. Cleo, the other one, had already sunk into her customary post-prandial coma. I gently shook her awake.
"This is really important, guys," I said. "There's this expert who says that cat owners should think about having just one cat per household.
"She says that multi-cat households just lead to all sorts of things - territorial disputes, psychological damage for cats, that sort of thing."
Gentle snoring revealed that Cleo had fallen asleep. Dylan seemed to be fascinated by a large spider on the ceiling, directly overhead.
I shook Cleo awake again and removed the spider.
"The thing is," I continued, "she says that because we love cats, we want more of them in the house. But all it means is that we make cats unhappy.
"I keep thinking about what she said about single-cat households. The upshot is, she's right. I'm afraid one of you is going to have to go."
Suddenly, I had their attention. Or would have had, had Cleo not disappeared in search of a more comfortable sleeping-space and Dylan not darted nimbly in the direction of the open kitchen window.
I brought them back and sat them down on the settee.
"We need to do something," I sighed impatiently. "I'm worried that I'm damaging you both by forcing you to share living space.
"I know it's hard to tell whether you have any psychological damage. To be honest, I don't know how much of this is getting through to you.
"But I'd feel horribly guilty if either of you suffered from living cheek by furry jowl.
"The bottom line - we can't go on like this. The house really isn't big enough for all three of us. It's as simple as that."
For reasons I still can't fully explain, I decided to settle the matter with a simple vote.
I have to pack my bags by lunchtime tomorrow.
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