I HAVE not had a road traffic accident in the past five years.

I have never paid to possess a bank account.

I don't believe I've taken out PPI insurance nor do I have any debts, not counting the student loan.

These certainties, however, have done nothing to prevent the constant, escalating numbers of phone calls and text messages from companies offering to claim back my PPI, sort out my debts, ensure I receive compensation for my car crash (or have helpfully already secured compensation for my car crash) and recompense me for my costly bank account.

Already suffering this imposition on my personal phone, I now have the parallel joy of constant contact on my work mobile. Having only had the blessed thing for three weeks I received my first call, enquiring after the state of my PPI.

"Can you take me off your calling list, please?"

"Have you claimed back your PPI?"

"Can you take me off your calling list, please?"

"I need to know the answer before I can take you off the calling list."

"Please can you take me off your calling list?"

"It's just a one word answer, yes or no - have you claimed back your PPI?"

"I would just like you to take me off your calling list."

(Shouting) "It's a simple question! Why won't you answer?" Hangs up.

The other week both mobile phones went at once, PPI in my right hand and accident compensation in my left. This week I received an invitation to improve my financial situation via Whatsapp. There's no escape.

This just in: "You're accident has been signed off there is 2852.62 waiting, its for the accident you had, for us to put in your bank Now fill out www.accidentinjuryclaims.so" [SIC to all of it] Texts of this nature receive either "sod off" or "up your bum," in response.

The recorded messages are the worst. "IMPORTANT INFORMATION," drones a robot voice. It is never important information.

I'm not the sort who takes joy in winding up call centre staff. I am fine with the existence of call centres; they' create jobs. And I know what it is to work in a thankless profession where you are battered from both sides, customer and boss.

But how to keep calm at the brunt end of four or five calls a day asking if you've been in a car accident and are you sure you haven't been in an accident and are you quite sure because, you know, it's the type of thing your memory might need jogging for?

It's maybe not harassment but it's certainly harassing. If it doesn't stop soon I'm going to have to find a company equipped to help me reclaim my sanity.