The Swiss are to create a so-called "janitor satellite" to tackle the problem of space debris.
Apparently, the crews at the International Space Station (ISS) have been getting very lax in this area, ignoring the NASA-approved receptacles and just using bin bags which burn up when left outside overnight, scattering their contents everywhere. You thought that was the glow of the Northern Lights the other night? It was the sun bouncing off 172 Domino's Pizza boxes.
Space is becoming something of a celestrial junkyard, it seems, as if your shed, or the cupboard under the stairs, has been mysteriously taken into orbit and emptied out (so that's where the torch went – you've been looking all week. And you did have some 60watt bayonet bulbs after all. Please, don't ask about the rabbit. Maybe they'll name a constellation after him).
Details about CleanSpace One are unclear, but it is sure to have a revolving orange light on the top, an old teddy stuck on the radiator at the front and a ramp on the back for the blokes to stand in their space suits and fluorescent jackets. As soon as it nears any orbiting satellite it will pull up sharply, blocking the way for any space vehicles behind and make an unnecessary revving sound because it's 6.30 in the morning and you lot should be up.
To be fair to the crew of the ISS, there has been some confusion about which day the rubbish goes out. Dimtri is up there at the moment. He's one of the new Russian team which has just started its six months and it's his first tour. He was about to put the bags out last night when Petrov told him not to bother because it was a bank holiday. He meant it as a joke, but Dimitri went to the window and looked down and said: "Now bank holiday-now not- now bank holiday-now not. You see, boss. Now we over America, is bank holiday, yes? Now Europe, not holiday, all working. Some is holiday, some not-"
The Swiss are sticklers for accuracy and will point out that the above is all nonsense because CleanSpace One is unmanned. As if that's meant to be reassuring. Can you imagine what it would be like if your local refuse truck was on auto? "Warning! Vehicle reversing! Warning! Vehicle reversing! Warning! Vehicle ploughing into front garden-"
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