ON behalf of middle-aged single men, a cut-out-and-send letter to Kylie Minogue ...
Dear Kylie
YOU may have it trending on Twitter recently. #dadbod, it's called. Internet-speak for having a flabby and stupendously untoned male body.
It's the result, essentially, of lots of things - an aversion to even the slightest form of exercise; drinking too many pints, eating too many pies, fish suppers and curries.
Owners of #dadbods, like me, flinch whenever they pass a gym or see, in the newsagents, these muscle magazines on display, whose covers feature men with unfeasibly ripped bodies that automatically make you think 'steroids' and also make Charles Atlas look like - well, someone even I would consider kicking sand at on the beach.
I've tried exercising. Once. I ended up puce-faced and heaving up something that looked like it was alive.
Anyway, the point of this letter is just to say thank you. Thank you for saying that, so far as men are concerned, you have lowered your standards.
If I may quote your words back at you: "I don't mind grey hair, I don't mind bald or balding. I don't even mind a bit of a paunch."
Oh, Kylie! How my cholesterol-laden heart surged when I read that! Unfortunately, my paroxysm of joy ended in a coughing fit that resulted in another puce face and something slightly worrying being coughed up.
Once I got my breath back, I read your next words. They were even better. "Maybe too good-looking is where I've been going wrong," you said, modestly.
Kylie, I thank you. I happen to meet all of your gratifyingly lower standards and wondered - forgive me this rash impulse - if I might be suitable. I would send a photo but I don't want to spoil you.
You say you are a romantic and not conventional. Lucky for you, I am not conventional, either, and am willing to re-learn the basics of romance.
As for myself, I am reasonably solvent and have a good, if heavily sedentary, job. I am, I regret to say, wholly unfamiliar with what might be termed your pop oeuvre but am willing to rectify this via iTunes over the next few days.
I never thought my #dadbod would be acceptable to anyone younger than me. I see you are 46. I have a few years on you. But what's a decade between friends?
Anyway, Kylie, many thanks once again. I look forward to your immediate reply.
Yours sincerely
Signed,
[Your name here]
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