SOME people go on holiday to experience new things, see new sights, take themselves a little out of their personal ordinary.
That's why I go to B&Q.
It's like a whole new country. It's certainly foreign.
Recently I took a notion to paint my bathroom. What I thought happened was you bought paint and a brush and then you put the paint on the walls with the brush. Luckily, my friend Shona said she would help out because this is not what happens.
Shona pitched up with tape, variously-sized paint brushes, turps, special sticky tape and deployed some old Heralds to cover the lavatory and sink. She also unscrewed the towel rail and the toilet paper holder, which I would've just painted over. She's some broad, my Shona.
Next, we went to B&Q where she tour-guided me round the aisles. I was hoping for a pale chocolate colour so plumped for a paint named Mellow Mocha. In reality, on the walls, it's ruddy lilac but I suppose there are worse colours in the world.
Painting proved tricky. The bathroom ceilings are high but the floor space narrow, meaning the step ladder (it's not mine) will only fit in one direction. We could only reach so far but I was determined not to leave the job part done.
Eventually I had a foot on the very top of the ladder and a foot on the coat hook on the back of the bathroom door. Shona was part aghast and part resigned. "This looks like a scene Michael Buerk would narrate on 999," she said. After accidentally putting a lilac hand print on the ceiling I fashion an extension by attaching the paint roller to the end of my sweeping brush. It worked a dream.
Painting done, we came to hang the new mirror. "Do you have a spirit level?" Shona asked. No. "Do you have a measuring tape?" No. I have one screwdriver and one hammer.
Ever resourceful, Shona put sticky pads on the back of the mirror and dots of glitter glue. We pressed it off the wall and when it came back there were sparkly splodges where the hooks should go. Unorthodox, but highly effective.
Still, improvisation is all very well but I think it's time to dust off my passport and head back to B&Q. It's time I had proper tools. Tools, and the wherewithal to use them.
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.