What do you get when you cross a wayward cow with thousands of late-running One Direction fans?
Hysteria on wheels. Such was the scene on the M8 earlier this week when an adventure-seeking cow went for a wander across the lanes near Junction 3 and blocked the path of 60,000 Murrayfield-bound 1D fans.
Observers were undecided as to whether the calf was more startled by the sea of slow-moving cars or by the high-pitched demands coming from within that screamed: "Hoof it, beefy, we're on a deadline here." The sorry animal has since returned safely to the fold in possession of a valuable life lesson: never come between a teenage pop fan and their idol.
Yes, sitting at a standstill on a motorway is definitely up there with tedious driving experiences but then, as far as I can see, driving is one big tedious experience.
Tonight a new series starts on Channel 5 called Angry Britain, and the inaugural show focuses on travel rage. Featuring CCTV footage and interviews with those involved, it shows the Great British public getting hot under the collar in a variety of transport-related meltdowns. Highlights include a man punching his way through the glass door on a bus and a driver losing his cool at a petrol pump. Fair enough, I say. It is irritating when you find yourself trapped on a garage forecourt behind the laidback driver who has seized the opportunity to carry out his weekly shop amongst the tinned hot dogs and chilled pies.
Hot weather seems to bring another layer of stress to the whole experience. The definition of frustration is surely trying to find a place to park along the east side of Loch Lomond on a stifling hot day. You can see the sunshine and sparkly water as you sit roasting in your own juices, you just can't get to it.
But if you think relinquishing control and ditching the car is the answer, then beware. Public transport is no dream-like state. Sharing personal space with randoms brings its own problems. One person's opportunity for a catch-up on the phone is another person's peace shattered, and there is still the opportunity for freak encounters. A train journey I took from Glasgow to Edinburgh one Saturday morning - we're talking before the pubs are open - took a turn for the awkward when a hen party complete with veils and L-plates travelled the length of the train brandishing a child's potty and demanding "money for the hen". The lack of enthusiasm for their cause was utterly toe-curling.
No, far safer to just stay at home.
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