THE problem with the internet is that it's led people to think everyone deserves an opinion.
Not everyone deserves an opinion.
One of the boldest platforms for those of the view that their opinion matters is TripAdvisor, the internet's home for travellers for whom the melon will never be ripe enough, the sheets never an Egyptian thread count close enough to their Cleopatra dreams, never the sand sufficiently pure crushed coral pink.
This is from a review of the Ritz Carlton, on Grand Cayman, surely a hop jump from Paradise: "There was not a steel drum band, nor a person playing piano. There was not a jazz trio, or even a single guitar heard at this resort.
"Secondly, there were almost NO flowers or flowering plants. It was difficult to even find a great area to pose for a photo, because everything was really the same drab tan color."
It must give a certain crunching feeling to the soul to log on to TripAdvisor and see some whiny, pampered poppet berating your hospitality for being too lax for their Princessesque standards.
Some do not give into the crunch and, instead, use the compression of their psyche to spring back with a fierce riposte.
Fiercely reposting this week was Steve Bothwell, owner of an Aberdonian restaurant and not a man to remain silent on having his business slandered - or his bum felt.
Mr Bothwell found Cafe 52 reviewed on TripAdvisor by an anonymous diner who claimed their colleague had been injured by falling glass and not provided with antiseptic wipes. Horrifyingly, a Band-Aid had been "taken away from the table before it could be used."
Mr Bothwell was not taking this lying down. "A clean dry towel with crushed ice was put round the leg of the alleged victim (Just in case the leg swelled up to the size of Saturn, resulting in a lunar explosion).
"The alleged victim was offered a choice of plasters, however we were out of "Does this plaster match my outfit" variety, so it was either skin coloured plasters or those bright blue ones. The skin tone plasters seemed to do the job." He also claimed that the merry party "started feeling my backside".
Cafe 52 is not the first to find infamy on TripAdvisor.
The Crags Hotel in Perthshire suffered such a withering review that its owner, Alex Scrivenor, posted a response in which he called the debacle Hatchet Sunday.
"From henceforth I will remember Valentine's as the miserable day that I had the misfortune to meet you, your husband and your friends from England."
"And the 16th Feb will now be called "Hatchet Sunday" in memory of the review you left us." Comparisons were made to Basil Fawlty, not least from Mr Scrivenor himself.
Another hotelier who was poorly reviewed set up the rival website Sharing Holiday Experiences - with the url ihatetripadvisor.com. Subtle.
Theoretically, the consumer is the one holding the power. He or she has the money, after all. And theoretically, the customer is always right.
In its roughly 15 years existence, TripAdvisor has put this power dynamic on shifting sands. Large chains tend to respond to negative reviews with a formulaic: "We're sorry you felt unhappy," but smaller companies, those who are genuinely at risk of harm from the whims of some snotty would-be emperor, are taking matters in their own hands.
It's really quite delightful. Back in the day, you had to hope for a withering review in the paper from your favourite food/travel/music critic and hope the restaurant/resort/performer came back with loaded guns blazing.
Not so now. Everyone's a critic now. And, fortunately, those on the receiving end, are for the fray.
It might not be pleasant when you're told, as a customer, you're wrong. But watching others on the receiving end of an unabashed dressing down? Delicious.
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