FOR some reason, last week in this very boutique, I was induced to hold forth on the subject of fashion.
Learning nothing from the experience, I blunder in once more with this bombshell announcement: I regret to declare that this season I will not be wearing floral trousers.
Indeed, I don't even know when this season begins and will probably still be shuffling around in elastic-waisted trews when the ref blows his whistle and things get under way.
But blooms on my breeks? Madam, you push me too far. Regular readers will know about my love of floral objects. I love flora on my cups and tea-towels.
Female friends tease me about it, inferring a lack of manliness and quite forgetting that I'm one of Mother Nature's sons.
I just think that, if you're going to buy something for the house, it's best if it has flowers on it.
However — and you may quote me on this — I will not wear floral trousers.
Maybe that's just me. For floral prints on habiliments are, in the noun-to-verb argot, "trending" among those and such as those.
A notably effete London newspaper talks of "embracing floral trousers", though there are other places to shove flowers, and some of these might interest me.
I wouldn't be ashamed to sport a bloom on my T-shirt or shoulder bag, if I had such a thing, among the options mentioned.
Indeed, if it weren't for the ubiquitous ironic tone of modern times, it might help us imagine our way back to the glorious 1960s, when life was beautiful and the sun shone through the night.
There's talk of some rather rough high street outfitters selling shirts with peonies on them, which could see the nation's neds stravaiging to their dog fights or whatever in bloom-enhanced duds.
Now then, that'd be a sight worth seeing.
But what of the nation's leaders?
No one is more conservative, regardless of politics, than they, with their boring suits and ties.
I commend them for it, as I believe the world would be a better place if it were more boring.
But I bet that, if the flowers motif does catch on, some of them will wear big showy floral ties. I've never approved of that sort of thing.
We must trust that, at Holyrood, the Presiding Orifice will issue stern rebukes and appropriate punishment, such as fines or imprisonment.
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