SOME people just shouldn't be allowed to keep pets, and not just those whose goldfish keep dying.

Scottish pets are being lavished with fatty treats - leftovers, crisps, biscuits and chips. Oh, and booze. Booze! We're the worst in the UK, according to the PDSA, which says morbidly obese pets are now an everyday occurance in vet surgeries.

Surely this is no surprise. If we have the fattest people due to having little self-control when it comes to leftovers, crisps, biscuits and chips (and booze. Really, booze? What, like a G&T? Do they eat the cucumber?) then we can't expect pet owners to exercise restraint with their animals.

In fact, the PDSA believes that owners are sharing their own unhealthy eating habits with their pets in an attempt to make them happy, which is fairly misguided. If they're fat then they're miserable and you're guilty. It sort of undermines the relationship.

Overfeeding is probably also an attempt to buy love, a bit of a self-esteem issue on the owners' part, particularly with cats. Cats are only interested when they're getting something in return, usually food. I know when I cat-sit I find it hard to resist luring Dexter with some beef Dreamies while pretending he's at my feet because he likes me. He's not there for my personality.

Dogs, though. I don't understand how you make a dog fat. Dogs will love you anyway, whether you give them chocolate or carrots. Yes, some of them are cunning and some of them are plain greedy. But, c'mon, you're the adult human. They're a dog. You're in charge - you can restrict access to chips. And booze. (Booze!)

I saw advertised this week a contraption that will exercise your dog for you. It's called an iFetch and it looks like a stovetop kettle with a satellite dish on top. From one end it shoots out a ball, the dog trots off to fetch it and then pops it in the satellite dish before the cycle begins again.

Again, some just shouldn't be allowed to have pets. If you're too lazy to throw a ball for a dog then don't have a dog. Who thought developing this was a good idea? Not all situations are problems waiting to be solved.

Back to food. It should be noted that diet restrictions work only for dogs, not husbands (though I do know women who get the two mixed up). If only someone had imparted that advice to Gwyneth Paltrow. A fish supper (and some booze) would have been enough to sort out Chris Martin.