BE honest, don't we all want to be US president?
It seems like a good life. For the last year, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have been running down airplane steps then up on to little stages, beaming and waving and saying: "People of Wisconsin/Cincinnati/Tulsa -" while a band starts up with The Star-Spangled Banner and there's a shower of tickertape, and cheerleaders with unnaturally white teeth and great candy-floss pom-poms, and a crash of cymbals and an explosion of brass - You feel a kind of national pride just thinking about it – and you live in Dundee.
Even the police arresting a lone figure on top of a warehouse over the way does nothing to dampen the scene. A man arrives next to the officers and approaches the suspect, hand outstretched. "Hi. Oliver Stone. Can I just check: are you allied to any Government-funded body like the CIA or Pentagon? Or are you just a lone nutter? Sign this anyway – it's a release form for the movie."
Seriously, how hard can the job be? There must be all kinds of help. Surely, hidden in the trees behind the White House, is a series of different airplane steps, donated by various airlines, for the president to practise those arrivals and departures. "Honey, I'm flying United today," he grins, grabbing a piece of toast as he heads out for a training session. "Mr President," says an aide. "We're going to try coming down two at a time today, OK? Makes you look more purposeful." The chipmunks who play on these at night snigger: they've put a banana skin on one of the steps.
People ask about the office politics, how you cope. Well, an affair with an intern? Is that so difficult? It's simply a case of preparing the family now; that way, the live TV apology to the nation will be a doddle.
So, tomorrow morning, you'll be up early. You'll part the curtains, softly singing: "Say can you see by the dawn's early light -" At breakfast you'll address the children: "Ask not what your family can do for you, but what you can do for your family." Gesturing to the window, you'll add: "This land is your land, children, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters -" Then, wearily, your partner asks: "So, Mr 'President'," – this last said with two hands making inverted commas. "Will you be in for tea?"
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well and trust you then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.