Like children themselves, childcare is appallingly messier in practice than theory.

In theory, all three and four year olds should get 600 free hours of world-class nurturing in a state-of-the-art nursery at the end of the road.

In practice, skint councils are liable to offer random half-days in disused mines run by wolves.

To get to the facts, Labour's Kez Dugdale began FMQs by asking Nicola Sturgeon if the provision was better or worse than in England.

Ms Sturgeon admitted it wasn't yet good enough, but it was certainly better than under Labour, with mums and dads bagging 700 quid's worth of free care a year for every nit-thronged nipper.

Not so, said Ms Dugdale, it was getting worse.

"For goodness' sake!" snapped Ms Sturgeon. "This is a massive success story. We have gone from an entitlement of 412 hours a year to 600."

The FM also said she'd been talking to the group "Fair Funding for Our Kids" to help iron out problems faced by working parents.

Ms Dugdale was waiting for her to say that.

"It is true that, six weeks ago, the FM met the group - and it has not heard from her since.

"I spoke to them this morning and [spokeswoman] Jenny Gorevan said, 'They give us supportive words but precious little action'."

Will the FM back an audit of the 600-hour policy to see the scale of the problem? she asked.

The FM lashed out like a tired toddler. The Labour Party were "innumerate", she snarled. Ms Dugdale was trying to "manipulate" figures.

The Labour deputy smiled indulgently at the tantrum; and then, just as her day was going so well, she dropped her ice cream in the sand.

Perhaps Ms Sturgeon should celebrate her policy "in front of parents in Glasgow", she said. "The FM should look those parents in the eye and tell them that they have never had it so good."

At the mention of Glasgow, the thumbsuckers and fingerpaint eaters of the Nat kindergarten - sorry, SNP backbenches - began wailing as one.

The city, where many parents complain about ropey childcare, is of course Labour-run.

"I can tell members what I am going to do right now," countered an elated Ms Sturgeon.

"I am going to look Kezia Dugdale in the eye and remind her who runs Glasgow City Council. I suggest that she should make an appointment and speak to her Labour colleagues."

Amazingly, Tory leader Ruth Davidson made the same schoolgirl error by asking about the threatened St Joseph's Primary in Milngavie, which parents wanted to remove from council control and run as a trust.

"So far they have been faced with a government wall that simply tells them, 'We know best' when it does not," said Ms Davidson.

Tactfully skipping over the awfulness of a metaphor about talking walls, the FM pointed out the council that wants to close St Joseph's is partly run by Conservatives.

"Perhaps, therefore, her first port of call might not be me but her colleagues in East Dunbartonshire Council," she purred.

Homework is evidently not Ms Davidson's forte.

Cop-buster LibDem Willie Rennie then asked the FM's view of the rolling mess at Police Scotland over stop, search and sketchy statistics.

"I trust our police, I have confidence in our police, and I will continue to back our police in the work that they do," replied the FM.

Note the trust showered on "our police" rather than "Chief Constable Sir Stephen House".

After a couple of dodgy performances, it was a day which saw Ms Sturgeon regain command.

Sir Stephen must now pray he can do likewise.