MY abiding memory of Mr Bean is of him birling round his kitchen in a jagged waltz trying to extricate his head from the cavity of a dead, plucked turkey.
Now, you'd think it would be tricky to form a grammatically flawless sentence with your coupon taking over the role of the sage and onion but, apparently, it can be done. Or, at least, it can be done to the level needed to teach a foreigner our beautiful, flexible language.
Researchers, for there is no subject too woolly not to be prodded by researchers, have found nearly one-quarter of English as a Second Language (ESL) tutors teach their students English by showing them Mr Bean episodes. The gentleman is largely silent but apparently useful at showing common and garden everyday tasks such as going to the dentist, eating out in restaurants and sitting exams, making him perfect for showcasing basic vocabulary and grammar.
A full 60% of ESL teachers use TV shows to enhance their lessons and give pupils a broader understanding of the English language. While Mr Bean is the most popular show, Eastenders was also listed as useful to 3% of teachers.
This begs the question: if Scotland parts ways with England and Scottish – as it surely must – becomes our official mither tongue, with what resources will we teach the difference between a tatty and totty to the foreigners?
In place of Mr Bean and Eastenders, Rab C Nesbitt and River City will be used in classrooms and libraries to demonstrate to the new emigrated life in Scotland.
In River City everyday tasks such as going doon The Tall Ship for a bevvie, a brew not to be confused with the broo, will be neatly showcased. The fraught world of bar-room etiquette will be learned: be sure to offer wan fur yersel' to the barman while you're getting blootered; if you're lucky enough to secure a romantic evening with a native Scots speaker make certain your ex-wife, lovechild or sister's husband – the one you had an affair with – aren't going to be down the local; learn how to lamp any gomerals in the face while making a lowp for the door.
The Govan philosopher will offer a sartorial guide to gentlemen's fashions, gutties and string vests, and cover diverse topics from Neo Nazis to STDs, all with a black humour best adopted pronto by the new Scottish speaker.
Taggart is probably best avoided, at least until the new emigree finds his or her feet after they flit.
Moving north, Monarch of the Glen and Hamish MacBeth reruns will aid the new Scottish speaker who fancies a quieter life away from the drama of the city or who just fancies a Glenbogle-style jaunt. MacBeth and his trusty sidekick Wee Jock will act as a reassuring counter to the bangsters of Taggart.
Come to think of it, Scottish television maybe isn't the best first impression we can give the foreigners. Or perhaps it is ... as a filtering mechanism, say. Surviving an episode of The High Life should sort the useless fae the yable.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article