IN an age of mostly fatuous superlatives, you do wonder up which grammatical cul-de-sac the English language might next meander.
The quest for ever greater emphasis hobbles not merely sports commentators of all stripes - Gary Lineker's weekly efforts to big up the fare on Match Of The Day, for example, irrespective of the drama within, are routinely toothless - but also professional scribes (at least in the salaried sense).
Those of us who write or edit words on a daily basis face the perpetual challenge of holding the reader's attention, and too often we fall into the commonest trap of all - lauding the subjects of stories as the most this, the greatest that, even if the facts suggest otherwise. The same goes for broadcast and digital news. My pet hates are "very", "really" and "truly", but other culprits are legion.
Leaving aside the vulgar matter of veracity, I'd contend that the well of vocabulary available to everyone from John Motson to a junior reporter on the Pabbay Sentinel has long since run dry and we must innovate immediately, lest we slide further into the ocean of cliches currently lapping our thighs. Prefixing each adjective with "mega", "uber" and "ultra" in a clumsy attempt to maintain interest will not suffice. And CAPITALISING THE POINTS WE WISH TO ACCENTUATE is not an option. Yet.
But where to look for grammatical nourishment? The argot of motoring might provide some sustenance: "Nelson Mandela was the twin-turbo grand tourer of political leaders" (true); "Nigella's performance under cross-examination was sheer wronged-wife GTI"; "Ed Miliband offers enviable MPG but few thrills and limited vision due to the Hofmeister kink in his personality". All a shade Alan Partridge, but you'd be hooked - and that's the point.
The culinary arts could offer a nibble or two, though retaining gravitas - and meaning - might be an obstacle: "The Chancellor's Autumn Statement served up a budgetary bhoona with a pensions paratha and road-tax raita"; "That was Double Goalkeeper XL with smoky bacon from the 6ft 7in Fraser Forster"; "The future of shipbuilding on the Clyde is a Wicked Variety Bucket of uncertainty - fresh from the fryer". If nothing else, it would spark a chuckle instead of a jaded sigh.
Ultimately, though, perhaps we should junk the superlatives altogether and allow the facts to speak for themselves. Revolutionary, I know, but it might just work.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article