Dear Andy,
Dear Andy,
I see you are playing in the China Open, which starts today in Beijing, after your first tournament win since Wimbledon. I lived in the Chinese capital for two years. Here follows a helpful note, from a China Hand to the World's Best Two-handed Backhand.
First, the basics. Avoid man-collisions. The first-ever "cellphone lane" was unveiled recently on a pavement in Chongqing, but Beijing's remain unsegregated.
You see, Chinese gents do everything whilst twiddling with their smartphones. This includes walking, hence the man-crash danger. Any moment I expect a major news story.
If you can make it there safely, a great place to hang out is The Bookworm. It is part library, part cafe, part restaurant, and part left haven. It's the British Embassy with cappuccino. The dishes are given names like Brecht and Moby Dick and Orwell. I loved it, despite the lack of our national representation on the menu. But placing the word Burns on a dish maybe seems too close to a warning.
Take care when using Beijing's remaining squat toilets. Especially the comparatively posh ones with splashguards, or a porcelain stump, to prevent matter hosing forwards. I found it all too easy to fall over the splashguard and out of the cubicle. You don't want to jar that back of yours by doing the same.
If you eat in local restaurants, request a fork. I know you have a great forehand grip, but chopsticks are a whole different skill.
And choose well. Perhaps avoid classics like "intestines with rice". Because merely using a squat toilet is a breeze in comparison to being sick in one. Kneeling down requires a wide straddle, with your points of contact dubious enamel where people's feet have been. The alternative is remaining standing but that requires throwing up with precision. I guess you do that with the ball toss, though. Hmm.
What else? Ah, yes, training between matches. If you attend a gym, you will see many stationary bikes. There is much wailing in the Chinese media about cycling decreasing in popularity. Meanwhile, spin is gaining fans. Katie Melua may have to rewrite her hymn to Beijing cycling, henceforth called Nine Million Spinning Bikes.
As for on-court advice, I can only offer this. Expect some friction if a set ends 4-6, and is so shown on the scoreboard. The Chinese Government doesn't like public reference to the date of the Tiananmen Square protests, June 4.
And lastly, when asked where you are from, steady yourself for tricky compromises. Particularly after your last-minute endorsement of the Yes campaign.
When I lived in Beijing, I went to the local China Post branch to send gifts home at Christmas. The address on my parcels was "Scotland, United Kingdom". The clerk jabbed a finger at that and barked "no".
I ventured an alternative national moniker: "Great Britain?" That didn't even merit a snarl. Being a Scot, I ended up in the quite dreadful position of having, finally, to nod when asked: "Scot-land, he is in Eng-LAND?"
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