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Maotown's greatest hits

One thought occurred to me when Xi Jinping took to the stage with the other six members of the new Chinese government: it's an oriental version of The Four Tops!

(Well, seven in fact, although confusingly, the new leader's first name is, of course, Roman for 11.) Identical suits! Identical ties! Identical hair (to dye for)!

Everyone is saying we don't know much about Xi Jinping other than he's the first leader whose surname is an incoming text message alert. Surely, then, this is the perfect moment for this Gang Of Seven to go on a world tour where we can get to know them better and they can surprise us by singing their version of those old soul classics, the numbers that workers on the early co-operative farms used to boogie on down to.

Songs like Ain't No Mao Gain High Enough, Mao Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) and the classic Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm The Equal Distribution Of Wealth And Resources In A Centrally-run State-owned Economy. You could call it Maotown's Greatest Hits.

It's easy to see how it would work. Xi comes out on to the stage on the White House lawn, followed by the other six, all walking in time, clicking their fingers and turning around simultaneously while humming: "Dah dah dahhhhh da/ Da da dahhhh da" (come on, you recognise this – it's the opening refrain to The Tracks Of My Tears), "Da da dahhhhh da/ Do do do dahhhhh."

Then Xi moves forward, grinning broadly, his unnaturally black hair glistening in the spotlights. "People say I'm the life of the Party/ 'Cause I tell a joke or two -"

That's when Michelle turns to Barack and whispers: "You know, honey, these Communists are kinda cute."

Later they sing that famous song of longing by all those who craved a position next to the leader Xi has just replaced. "I can't get next to Hu, babe/ I can't get next to Hu -"

The concert is beamed live to Tiananmen Square where, in a spirit of co-operation that shows how much China is changing, South Korea's Psy has been invited to lead a mass, Gangnam-style flash mob that sees the tanks that rumbled across the square in anger in 1989 now moving their gun barrels from side to side in a brilliant metallic copy of the dance.

Ah, if only. Any chance, Xi?

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