JUDGING by the standards set by glossy magazines - which I make it a general rule to try and avoid - I'll never be beach body ready.

I mean, I have a body and it - and I - like to go to the beach. I'd go as far as to say I have a bikini body. I have a body and occasionally it wears a bikini. But this is different, I'm told, from being beach ready.

For the most part, having a body, a bikini and being in sand-in-awkward-places distance from the sea is not enough to qualify for a real beach body.

My beach-ready stance is that I'm always beach ready. I'm near a beach? I'm ready.

There's not much middle ground when it comes to beach bodies. Either you're of the bent that suggests a woman should be comfortable in her own skin, regardless, and willing to whip confidently along a promenade in the manner of CJ Parker spotting a distressed surfer off the coast of Los Angeles.

Or you're of the view that beach body prep should begin in December, to prepare for a week's holiday the following July, complete with body brushing; exfoliation; cellulite massage; cellulite creams; firming creams for upper arms, belly and bust; unguents targeted at keratosis pilaris; waxing/IPL treatment; foot buffing; cuticle pushing; hair masks; crash dieting; fake tanning for body and face; and exercise. (That list was off the top of the head of a woman who has but a cursory interest in "beauty" and a love-hate relationship with glossy magazines. A hat tip to you, advertisers.)

Each camp is offensive to the other. Saying you have to diet, tone and polish before you'll go near the sand suggests anyone larger than you should remain fully clothed in a deck chair, holding the room key and wallets. Saying you have no need of such dieting, toning and polishing suggests your beach desirous sisters are vacuous flibbertigibbets in need of finding a worthier diversion.

Protein World, a purveyor of anti-victuals, is in the high maintenance category. The company, which sells meal replacement shakes, has advertised its wares on a poster featuring a young, slender and busty woman with the slogan Are You Beach Body Ready? Folks are outraged. There's a protest against the firm - you see, it's sexist - planned for London on Saturday.

Advertisers and magazines have been peddling beach-ready bullcrackers since the dawn of the modern bikini in the 1940s. It's about time someone told them to sod off. The problem is, you're telling an awful lot of women who buy into the ideal of beach-based perfection to sod off too.