Ours is not to reason why, or even why not

Columnist

Friday 6 July 2012

LOBOTOMY.

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Robert McNeil

Good call? Bad call? Certainly, there are advantages. You're bound to feel a bit more laid-back, and needn't worry what's left of your pretty little head sweating the big stuff. However, one needn't go under the doctor's knife. You can have a virtual lobotomy. How so? Simple: become a member of government. I'm not being facetious, just citing the words of one Clegg, N., who says that's how it feels in power.

The leading Lobotomy Democrat made his remarks during an address to businessmen, journalists and other leading figures from the world of crime.Wiping away a tear, the Deputy Prime Minister appeared to have gone off his onion when he announced: "[One] of the things that happens when you go into government is you are sort of gradually lobotomised by the sheer neurosis and weight of everyday government activity."In the audience, Lord David Steel put his head in his hands, perhaps instinctively protecting it from lobotomy enthusiasts. However, undoubtedly he was despairing at Nick's loose language, knowing it'd be turned against him by evil newspaper columnists. Thankfully, there's no sign of that happening yet.A more responsible approach suggests the People's Nick may, to put it bluntly, have a point. It is this: you can be powerless in power. You can be driven by events, dear boy, or perhaps even realise that it's all a sham and that real power lies with the banksters and their ilk.Even in Scotia Minor, the SNP Government has had to trim its nails. Not that it has much power. But the Government's political wing, if I can refer to the party that way, has been advised by PR shamanists to avoid words like "freedom" and "independence" as, in a psychically confused country like Scotland, these can spread panic and alarm.Panic and alarm. Lobotomies. Where will it all end? My impression of politics is that you arrive at the gates of power like Attila the Hun, take command like Captain Mainwaring briefly, then exit like Antigonus, stage left pursued by a bear.Bear in mind, too, that familiarity breeds contempt. No-one had heard of this Clegg when first he appeared as the voice of reason in a televised debate. Now that we all know who he is, and are sick of the sight of him, he can depart to whence he came.Meanwhile, here in the damp sod of the Caledonian Protectorate, many thought the SNP taking powerlessness was the worst thing that could happen to independence, as no-one can manage government and remain popular.However, even the most comprehensively lobotomised Unionist – and that's not a field you'd choose if you fancied swinging a cat – has to admit the party has bucked that trend. Its share of the vote in local elections increased and it received the most votes, reflected in such headlines as "Voters give Salmond a bloody nose" (the Daily Blackmail). Here, certainly, when you hear the manic scaremongering of those defending the financially failing Union – the Credit Union, as it were – you're tempted to feel the front of their foreheads for suspicious signs of softness.But it's worse south of yonder Border where, unbelievably, there's been a swing back to a Labour Party led by a clueless, Clouseau-like clot, arguably the most gormless and insincere statesman of recent memory. Perhaps it's the electorate there that's had the lobotomy. Still, at least that implies the successful penetration of thickened skulls. In Scotia Minor, on the other hand, among independence supporters one senses a sense of despair at ever getting through, even for the purposes of implanting reason.The intellectual case was won long ago, but only among intellectuals. They still have to convince the press and, through them, the people. Behold the bewildered people now, pointing upwards as Captain Clegg flies over the cuckoo's nest. Among the guano and twigs, the rightful inhabitants have been bunged out and a fat, undeserving intruder sits filling out expenses forms with the word "worms".Never mind. No-one has taken Mr Clegg's lobotomy comparison seriously. Perhaps, in a passing fit, he'd just let power go to his head.

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Ours is not to reason why, or even why not

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