MY goodness, but there will be some sights on the Thames tomorrow.

Here comes HMS Leveson, sponsored by News International, with its grand sails bearing the image of a Page 3 girl from each decade of her Majesty's reign. At the helm is Captain Andy Coulson, accompanied by his solicitors Pomp & Circumstance and looking relaxed in the gentle breeze – until he is interrupted by a loud-hailer from an officer on board a Strathclyde Police inflatable that has roared up alongside and says it needs to take him north, right now.

"We can't drive like last time. The M6 was murder and none of us can face it. So we're going up the coast, laddie. Get your things and we'll be off." "Fair enough," says Coulson. "Anything to avoid those services we stopped at before. Call that coffee? I'd rather drink this stuff," and he points to the swirling sludge below.

Just behind comes the British Medical Association's paddle steamer, complete with its crew of white-coated doctors paying homage to Dickens as they hold out symbolic bowls to Parliament saying, "Please, Sir. Our pensions are only 60 grand a year. Can we have some more, please?"

As the Royal Barge passes the terrace of the House of Commons, not even the scores of ringing bells can wake one Member who is snoozing with a half-finished pint in front of him. Yes, it's Ken Clarke, who remembers doing all this for Queen Victoria – or was it Boadicea? – and decided to "just have five minutes".

A little further along a lip-reader with binoculars working for one of the US broadcasters claims the Duke of Edinburgh nudges the Queen, points at the giant O of the London Eye and says: "Look, darling. That's how many of our children's marriages have worked."

A cheer goes up for the famous little boats of Dunkirk, used by so many MPs during the famous retreats from the European Court of Human Rights in Strasburg, and then – oh gosh, how splendid – an even bigger cheer for something black and white that has leapt out of the water in front of Her Maj'. It's that Penguin 337 from Tokyo's Sea Life Park. He – or is it she? – has escaped again and swum halfway across the world to be here.

That's the pulling power of the Royals for you. He takes a quick snap before dropping back into the water. Many congrats, Ma'am.