Iam not a great one for resolutions.
Don't have the resolve, frankly. But in 2013 I'm hoping to do one of the following: turn one of the five vague, unrealised, murky notions of a novel I have in my head into ink and paper (1); get myself organised for the first time in my life; go and see the David Bowie exhibition at the V&A (2).
If I'm honest, procrastination is my real speciality. I can procrastinate for Britain. Or Scotland if you're more nationalistically inclined (hmm, we should have a chat about that at some point). I can spends hours, days deciding what to do. And then decide it's too late to bother. Holidays, relationships (3), tax returns. They all float in the sea of my personal indecisiveness until there comes a time when it has to be done or we get washed up in Blackpool. Again.
I'm not proud of the fact. I know it's a character flaw. The problem is, I fear I'm way too old to repair this terrible weakness now. I'm not really a believer in any "new year, new me" mentality. I've tried in the past – running every day, reading all of Charles Dickens's novels one after another, learning Italian – but I have usually slipped back into my old, evasive routine by January 7, page 65 of Our Mutual Friend or after having learned how to buy a train ticket (always ask for "andata e ritorno").
And yet I want to believe transformation is possible. I'd like to think we are not fated – I hate the word and the idea – never to change, to be the same people we are at 20, 30, 40 and even 50 (it's coming; I can see it on the horizon). Not physically, obviously – that's inevitable – and not in our tastes (although I thought that ABC's The Lexicon Of Love was the acme of sophistication when I was 20 and I kind of still think so now, though I'll possibly not say so out loud). But in the deep structures of the self. Otherwise what is the point of living? Without change, we're merely robots (and in my case a rubbishy, moaning, miserable robot who doesn't even have a handy locker in my belly like Futurama's Bender).
So consider this a declaration of intent. In 2013 I'm going to start to make decisions. They may turn out to be terrible decisions. They may end up being ludicrous decisions. But they'll be decisive decisions. And I'm going to start making them, ooh, any day now. Definitely.
See, there I am, undermining myself before I get started. Excuse me. I'm going home now. Right now. I've got a tax return to file.
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