For those of us who still have a soft spot for old technology – for whom 33rpm, even 45rpm, means as much as MP3 – the news that the Kremlin has opted to use electric typewriters for security reasons is to be celebrated.
It's like something from a new le Carre story: Tinker, Typist, Soldier, Secretary.
Reports say they've ordered German-made Triumph Adlers, almost certainly saving the company from extinction. Or maybe it was an eBay acquisition. "Mr President. It is only one hour left. I say we buy now. It is very good price from reputable seller."
It's easy to imagine the sales manager of the last remaining company still making lift-off ribbons breaking the news to his wife. "Ivana my love. Get out the best vodka. Tonight we celebrate. Me Zhivago. You Lara."
The Russians are understandably worried because of revelations from WikiLeaks and that international airport enthusiast Edward Snowden. Everything digital is traceable, they argue, and few would disagree. Who hasn't Googled themselves and thought "How they hell did that get there?" The Russians figure typing documents is safer.
Trouble is, you can just see the younger members finding it hard to adapt, constantly pinching and zooming the paper, desperately searching the keyboard for Google Chrome. They're still writing emails out of habit, and then having to carry them across the office. Yet even they must think: 'Whoa. Built-in printer. Coolski, for sure."
One imagines the atmosphere must be rather 1960s – all corded phones, Cambridge defectors and Michael Caine as Alfie chatting up "the birds" in the typing pool. Presumably, they've had to make the same change to the use of Twitter, replacing the digital version with an analogue one. If one of the operatives wants to tweet someone now, they have to physically find them, tap them on the shoulder and whisper the 140 characters to them.
But fortunately, the KGB is very comfortable with one piece of old technology – the umbrella – plenty of which are provided free for staff. Needless to say, on windy days you can always find people examining the ends of these very carefully, just in case -
John le Carriage Return will hopefully include much of the above in The Spy Who Came in with the Tipp-Ex. If you tweet him, he'll message you straight back – with a couple of, ahem, smileys attached.
on ...
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