FORMER MP Gyles Brandreth has compiled the new Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations which includes a comment from the late Queen Mother.

When she was introduced to a South African Boer who said he could never quite forgive the British for conquering his country, the QM replied: "I understand that perfectly. We feel very much the same in Scotland."

A fine catch

KEN McCluskey of indie rock band The Bluebells was reminiscing about the time in the 1980s he missed a band practice because he had seen one of the first salmon to return to the Clyde at Blantyre, and he rushed home to get his fishing rod. He was approached on the bank by two police officers who told him to move on as he did not have a fishing permit. The scene was caught by a Herald cameraman on the opposite bank and the story appeared as: "First poacher caught on the Clyde for 100 years."

The picture in The Herald at least convinced fellow band members who of course had not believed for a moment his claim that he had missed practice because he was fishing for salmon in the Clyde.

Falling for it

AN ACCIDENT and emergency nurse in Glasgow tells us they had a patient who had a bad fall from a ladder and was on a stretcher in a neck brace while awaiting for examination. When she asked him the set question, if he was allergic to anything, he replied: "Gravity."

Oh brother, where art we?

APOLOGIES if you have heard this, but it would be remiss in not marking the sad passing of Lanarkshire singer Jack Alexander of Alexander Brothers fame without repeating the oft-told tale of the brothers arriving for a tour of Canada and being asked at Canadian passport control where they were from. "Cam'nethan," said Jack, only to be interrupted by Tom, who said: "Ach, Jack, he'll no' know where Cambusnethan is," and turning to the officer, announced: "Wishae."

Hallowe'en howler

A FOOTNOTE to folk not trying too hard at Hallowe'en. Ken Johnston in Strachur met a chap with a blow-up doll fastened to his back. When Ken asked what he was dressed as he replied: "A snail," and added after seeing Ken's puzzlement: "That's Michelle."

Or the young lad wearing a barber's jacket with some oranges attached to it - his father is a hairdresser which explains the jacket. He announced he was "The Barber of Seville."

Chain reaction

A MUIREND reader tells us a divorced friend was discussing her lack of success in the dating field when she suddenly announced: "Do you think I'm single because I didn't pass on that chain letter I got 15 years ago?"

No accounting for honour

GLASGOW crime writers Zach Abrams and Elly Grant, who are husband and wife, will be reading from their books and signing copies at Primavera Bistro in Newton Mearns on November 20. Zach, who worked for many years as an accountant and company director, writing countless reports, letters and presentations, says he prefers to write novels, claiming they are a more honourable form of fiction.

Toilet humour

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us: "I've just thrown a plugged-in toaster down the toilet. That was a shock to the cistern," before wandering away again.