LISTEN carefully: in the distance you can hear the ghostly clatter of stiletto heels.
Keep your eyes peeled for the pallor of blue-white flesh encased in straining Lycra. Cower in terror from horrifying hemlines.
Halloween Saturday is nearly upon us, the one night of the year when spooky becomes synonymous with sexy and a web of skimpily dressed women spins across every town centre, entangling male prey with its sticky allure.
The high street on the Saturday closest to Halloween is traditionally full of the spooktacularly under dressed: sexy witches, sexy nurses, sexy Alice in Wonderlands and sexy Queens of Hearts, all streaming towards the nearest nightclub like a legion of undead strippers.
Truly there is no costume beyond sexification: sexy Ghostbuster, Sexy Wednesday Addams, sexy bee and sexy ladybird. Let's face it, when you add rude to an insect you've really got a problem. A quick look online shows a sexy Big Bird. What would Cookie Monster say?
When did fancy dress become fancy undress? Halloween, a decent enough diversion as it was, has become as commercialised as Christmas with its cards, gifts and shop-bought costumes. What happened to using your imagination and a sewing machine to create something frightening and original out of, say, an old sheet or unused curtains? How do these sexy so and sos keep their pants off display while dooking for apples? How do they trick or treat in heels that size? Do they not feel the cold?
Men seem not to have the same problem. They can look horrifying but still male: zombies, the Hulk, even Hannibal Lecter. The women look fresh from a trip to Ann Summers. I suppose that's the issue: it may be Halloween but that's no excuse not to try for a lumber.
Here's my plan for a sensible Halloween costume. Supernatural Gran, a ghostly nod to the 1980s TV show, never fails: cosy Lisle stockings, snug bunnet and comfy knee-length kilt in your clan's tartan. It's patriotic and terrifyingly practical. Vote yes. I may not get anyone's number but at least I'll be warm.
Still, there's probably no point in fighting it: Maybe it's time to rebrand Halloween as the one night of the year when it's OK to bare as much flesh as possible – zombified or not.
You know a trend is impossible to beat when it's possible to buy a sexy hamburger costume.
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