ALEX Salmond was absent from First Minister's Questions yesterday - he is off to inform America about the benefits of independence.
So it was down to deputy Nicola Sturgeon to engage Johann Lamont in a spot of trench warfare before lunch. She did not hold back.
After the Unionist camp's weekend currency cropper, the Labour leader avoided any talk of the pound by speaking exclusively in dollars.
In particular, the 2000 bucks it costs for a night at the Chicago Peninsula Hotel, where the FM bunked during a Ryder Cup beano in 2012, and about which the government still refuses to answer Freedom of Information requests. The DFM declared herself "flabbergasted" at the line of questioning.
Not that our politicians are petty, you understand, but Ms Sturgeon added that Labour's Jack McConnell used to stay in New York's Benjamin Hotel, as "frequented by Paul McCartney".
But what about transparency, asked Ms Lamont.
Ministers were refusing "to explain how much taxpayers' cash Alex Salmond spent on himself," she said.
Ms Sturgeon sighed, cracked her knuckles and let rip: "This is desperate stuff. What Johann Lamont has chosen to do ... is indulge in smear and insinuation."
Never one to duck a demeaning rammy, Ms Lamont replied that the FM was "unadjacent to the truth".
Ms Sturgeon fixed bayonets.
"Johann Lamont can smear the First Minister as much as she likes," she snarled.
This generated a kaleidoscope of unwelcome mental images - smear the FM with what exactly? Mud, suntan lotion, custard? Our lustrous North Sea oil? It would probably take a barrel or two.
Even the hardiest MSPs looked pale and woozy.
"And she can smear me as much as she likes," Ms Sturgeon carried on; MSPs started to gag.
"On today's performance, Johann Lamont is staying in opposition," concluded the DFM thunderously.
"On today's performance she ain't even fit to be in opposition, let alone government!"
The SNP's recuperating backbenches were dutifully frenzied, Labour's notably silent.
Deputy Presiding Officer Elaine Smith then reminded MSPs of "Rule 7.3 of Standing Orders" - to conduct themselves in a "courteous, respectful and orderly manner".
It was easily the biggest laugh of the day.
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