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Square pegs, round holes

I REALLY must learn to read my emails more carefully, though in my defence I get more spam than even the greasy spoon cafe in the famous Monty Python sketch could handle.

Part of it's my own fault: I'm a sucker for a bargain, so I've signed up for daily offers from a couple of firms specialising in cut-price voucher deals, who happen to pursue their missions with extreme zeal.

Of this week's two dozen or so alleged steals, the most enticing were 45 toilet rolls for £12.98 and a basic accounting course for £19; thanks, but no thanks.

Yesterday, though, one really did catch the eye: it was for a voice over-acting course - £29, a snip at a whopping 78% off.

Hang on, I thought. Over-acting? I can do that (as anyone who has ever seen me with a head cold can testify). Where do I sign up?

Alas, I had mentally misplaced the hyphen. What was on offer was a voice-over acting course. "For those who have been told they have a great voice and who want to learn the secrets of being an actor in radio dramas, in games, or that voice-over guy on commercials ..." ran the blurb.

A quick call to my home voicemail confirms that's not me. My recorded message makes Andy Murray sound like Jiminy Cricket on speed. Listening to me is like listening to paint drying.

Ah well. This square peg won't be applying to fill that particular round hole any time soon. I am not going to be a voice-over artist. That would be the most ridiculous career change I could think of. Actually, strike that. Here's a few more:

l The new host of Celebrity Mr & Mrs: Francois Hollande.

l CEO of Ralph Lauren: Jeremy Clarkson.

l Basketball coach: Jimmy Krankie.

l Diplomat: the Duke of Edinburgh.

l Hair stylist: Billy Connolly.

l Whippet trainer: George Osborne.

l Stand-up comedian: Fred Goodwin.

l Nato Secretary-General: Alex Salmond.

l Head of the Girl Guide movement: Miley Cyrus.

l Chancellor of the Exchequer: Vladimir Romanov.

l Sales rep for Burberry: Lady Gaga.

l Prime Minister: David Cameron. No hang on, that's wrong ...

On second thoughts, maybe I will go for that voice-over gig. Anyone got a number for Nytol's ad agency?

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