SCIENTISTS claim to have unravelled the mystery of why people behave badly at office parties.

According to a study by the University of Birmingham, when in a familiar setting, such as a pub or at home, the brain compensates for the disinhibiting effects of alcohol.

But when people drink in an unfamiliar environment such as the workplace they no longer benefit from this tolerance and lose control of their inhibitions. In other words: they get stinking drunk and don’t care.

In another piece of alleged groundbreaking research last week, scientists at the University of Aberdeen revealed women looking to have a fling are subconsciously drawn to good-looking men with bad boy personalities.

Professor Benedict Jones of the university’s Face Research Laboratory (yes, really) asked 100 women to rate men’s faces and share their beliefs about affairs. He discovered men with symmetrical faces are more alluring to those looking for a no-strings affair than to someone searching for Mr Right. Or in other words: when it comes to a bit of illicit bump and grind, looks trump substance. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? I wouldn’t mind a job at the Ministry of Bonkers Scientific Studies myself, perhaps in the Department of Sweeping Pointless Statements or maybe the Laboratory of the Blindingly Obvious. I’m all for understanding the human condition but surely they could be doing something a bit more useful: such as finding out what the point of Kerry Katona is.

Say anything with enough authority, though, and you can make the mundane sound pertinent and plausible: “Couples with carpets in the home are 63% more likely to stay together than those with hardwood flooring”; “Women who eat prunes for breakfast are 54% more attractive to the opposite sex”; “Reading this column is 83% more exciting than watching paint dry”.

Almost had you with that last one.