BIT cold in Glasgow over the weekend.

As stand-up Susan Calman, who will be appearing at the Citz Theatre during the Glasgow Comedy Festival in March explained: "Cat hit me in the face at 4am. I realised it was very cold in the flat. Put heating on. Cat now snoring under radiator. I'm wide awake. Nice."

AND the snow reminded a reader of the classic: "A young Glasgow man struggled through the snow to the baker's first thing on Saturday morning and asked, 'Do you have any yum yums? She'll be over the moon if you have.' The baker smiled, and asked, 'Giving your mum a treat then?' 'Don't be daft,' the chap replied. 'It's for the wife. You don't think my mother would send me out on a day like this'."

NOT much golf being played in this weather so conversations turn to other subjects. As reader Irene McLennan tells us: "At the golf club the other day conversation among the ladies turned to who had been up in a helicopter. After several stories, one of the ladies proclaimed she had flown over the Viagra Falls."

SOME escaped the bad weather by travelling abroad. Says Elisa Young in Dalry, Ayrshire: "My husband and I were travelling to Tenerife last Saturday from Prestwick. Due to the gale force wind airport staff were only allowing half a dozen passengers to cross the tarmac and board the aircraft at any one time.

"The passengers seated in the front row next to the open door were getting the full blast of the wind tearing through the aircraft. As we boarded I heard my husband say to them, 'I bet that's no' what you meant when you asked for a windae seat!' Oh how they laughed."

THE Rangers game was also abandoned because of the snow before either side had even scored. Andy Cumming heard a wee lad ask his dad on the way out: "Does that mean that Rangers have a draw?" "If only," replied the dad.

READERS are still recalling their toilet tales, and Ian Craig in Strathaven reveals: "Two neighbours in Lewis were discussing the progress of a new house one was having being built on his croft. Said his neighbour, 'The missus will be well pleased with the new house?' 'You would think so', his neighbour replied, 'but she is now wishing that we had put in two toilets.'

"'Why would you need such a thing?' the chap next door asked. 'I've no idea,' said his neighbour. 'And her still with the mark of the pail on her backside!'"

"My mum kicked me out because I treated the house like a hotel," says Jake Lambert. "Well I'll have the last laugh when she reads my review on Trip Advisor."

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "What a day I'm having. Have now discovered that someone has ripped out pages from both ends of my dictionary." Then he added: "It just goes from bad to worse."