You will have seen, by now, the clips of the Austrian extreme sports fanatic Felix Baumgartner, who plans to break the record for the highest manned balloon flight (120,000 feet) and then leap from said balloon while drinking a can of Red Bull.
All right, that last bit is made up, but only just. Red Bull is the sponsor of the mission, which will see Baumgartner undertake the highest freefall and see him become the first person to break the speed of sound without the protection of an aeroplane. This means that if he wants, he can yell something at 100,000 feet ("I must be mad!") and then actually overtake his words, possibly reaching out to alter them ("Mad be, I must" – to give it a kind of Shakespearean feel to suit the drama of the occasion), thus setting a new record for high altitude proof-reading.
It's all going swimmingly so far. The website is a drool-fest for gadget-obsessed fanatics, full of details of telemetry equipment and the unfortunately named inertial measurement unit that will report altitude (pitch/angle) and spin. Or just whether he's bored, which seems unlikely.
Both will be contained in a special chest pack attached to his pressurised space suit. "A ring tone from the chest pack will tell Felix when he has broken the speed of sound." Either that or it's his mother: "Felix, we think you should come down now. Did you take the extra sweater I sent you?"
The real worry is the launch site. The website blithely intones: "Roswell, New Mexico, will create the best platform for the Red Bull Stratos mission with its mild weather." Never mind the weather, this is Roswell. We all know what that means. Just as he's standing on the platform, preparing to leap, there'll be a tap on his shoulder. He'll turn around to see the Thing from Area 47.
"What the-" Its face is revolting, all pulsating green slime and a single, unblinking eye. Worse is to come. A tentacle reaches out and pulls the slime mask away to reveal – Richard Branson.
"Hello Felix, Richard here. Mind if I hitch a ride?" and the bearded one starts to clamber to the top of the capsule, so that he can break the record. Thankfully, a figure in a Virgin Broadband vest speeds alongside. "Don't worry, man," says Usain Bolt. "I'll sort him out. Hey, you're not going anywhere. You're coming with me."
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