LET'S talk about Kardashian, K.
What d'you mean, who? What are you people like? Don't you have televisions? Kim Kardashian is – excuse me while I check my notes – a reality star. Well, that's what it says here. She, er, stars in reality. I think the gist or pith must be that she appears in television shows that mimic reality. Unreal or what? My researchers tell me this is the modern world.
Now, I've seen pictures of the aforementioned Kardashian and can confirm that she is not, as I had first thought, from a race of beings out of Star Trek. The Kardashians? Didn't they inhabit the Blenkinsop Quadrant of Alpha Centauri? They had tentacles, right? Wrong. Kim ain't got no tentacles. She's got a bottom, though. All right, I know: haven't we all? But, as Oscar Wilde nearly said, there are bottoms and there are bottoms.
If you're up with current biological trends, you'll understand that Kardashian's is pretty shapely. And it's being blamed for the decline of Western civilisation. That's a big claim, and I can see you gathering round closer to the page to examine it further.
Note, then, that the purveyor of the claim is one Dr Helen Wright, headmistress of a private boarding school for girls in yonder Englandshire. Addressing a packed public meeting of the Trumpton Women's Institute, Dr Wright produced a photograph of the Kardashian posing in her underpants for the front cover of a men's magazine called Zoo. I'll just read that last sentence back again. Photograph. Yes, I'm familiar with the phenomenon. Underpants. Hmm, I'll look that one up later. Zoo? Zoo? There is a men's magazine called Zoo? I really must get out more, even if just down to WH Smith's.
Dr Wright asked her wide-eyed audience to consider that KK had, and I will not spare you the language used, "a rather ample backside". What a cheek. Or even two. In this day and age, where the buttock denotes rank and status, that is a serious charge. The doughty headmistress added: "What is she telling our young people about life?" Well, I'm really not sure. Possibly, it is this: "If you want to get ahead get an ample backside." Never worked for me, mind.
Dr Wright worked herself into a frenzy, waving her arms wildly (fair enough, I'm extemporising, but allow me some dramatic licence) for her bombshell conclusion. To wit: "It is not too strong a statement - to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in that one symbolic photo."
It sounded très St Trinian's and one hoped for a Margaret Rutherford waddling forth to face the cameras and expand on her buttockular theories. But it was a disappointingly normal looking person, who caused further discombobulation by posing in a brash red jacket. Nothing intelligent was ever said by anyone wearing a red jacket. The two just don't compute. True, there must have been sage Redcoats at Butlin's. But history has not recorded their words, even if they might have afforded increased understanding of the mysterious dynamic inherent in the knobbly knees competition.
So, is Dr Wright wrong? Well, no and, arguably, yes. Her point that physical appearance is being accorded greater merit than character or substance is a sound one. However, physical appearance is just for those and such as those. If they have it, they flaunt it.
Most of us – chaps and burdz alike – don't. So we don't. Pretty early, we decide if we're a jock or a swot, and direct the rest of our lives accordingly. Either you read or you dress up. That doesn't mean swots don't try to look presentable. But they don't obsess about it.
I'm not sure it's a new thing either. The Greeks and Romans had plentiful statues of beautiful beings displaying ample buttocks. Today, our gods are Gerald Bieber – I think that's the name – and Cheryl Cole. True, they're not particularly wise, but the gods of ancients were also a peculiar set.
Still, Dr Wright is in possession of a high horse and we commend her for mounting it. She should do something about that jacket, though.
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