I SEEM to come to many things later in life than most people:
texting, satellite TV, online banking, computer tablets, ironing.
In fact only last week I took to Twitter for the first time (@drewgallan if you're interested). I was at first consumed by the curious new phenomenon of Twitter envy; nobody knew I was out there, yet many of my colleagues have more followers than some of the minor religions.
Still, I'm not fretting; I understand that these things take time, and, if the worst comes to the worst, all I have to do is tell one of my mates from the football. After all, the last time I made a fool of myself in the pub after a game, half the world knew about it before the match report was published the next morning.
But this Twitter lark made me wonder what other trends I ought to be catching up on.
According to Forbes magazine, we should be into wearable technology in 2014. Samsung already has a beast called the Galaxy Gear, which is a watch that lets you control your smartphone from your wrist, and LG, Sony and Apple are about to follow suit.
I can't think of too many occasions when having a phone on your wrist would be advantageous; on the tennis court, perhaps? Could Ivan Lendl give Andy Murray a quick bell halfway through a service game in the fourth set on Centre Court?
Nah, that probably wouldn't work. What would be the chances of him getting Judy off the line?
I don't think I'll bother. My wristphone would be guaranteed to go off just as I'm raising a pint to my lips. Pavlovian reflexes would then ensure a sodden lap.
OK then, if I'm not wearing my gadgets, what should I be donning if I want to stay on trend in 2014?
One of this paper's style gurus (there are several, both professional and self-appointed) reveals that we could be looking at bright, neon-like colours, floral print suits, platform shoes and man bags.
In that case, we have a problem. I suit black. I think I even suit grey. I'm definintely not made for dayglo.
And as for floral suits, that's going to be a no-no. When it comes to combining horticulture and haute couture, I draw the line at the occasional heather buttonhole at a wedding.
Being just about chin high to Tom Cruise, platform shoes do have a certain appeal, though I thought we went through that in the 1970s. As I recall, everyone else wore them too, thus negating their effect. And as for man bags, at this rate they'll be appearing under my eyes.
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