AT a gig in Glasgow earlier this week Billy Connolly talked about having a Lulu moment in which he inadvertently referred to the motorway as a freeway and petrol as gas.
Given the comedian is based in New York these days, such linguistic slips are understandable. What's less palatable is the way in which similar idiosyncrasies are creeping into everyday Scottish life. The catalyst for this rant? The humble tumshie.
Perusing the supermarket fruit and vegetable aisle at the weekend, I overheard two children excitedly talking to their mother about their Halloween plans. "Can we carve a pumpkin and go trick or treating?" asked one. I stopped dead in my tracks. Had I without my knowledge been catapulted through a space-time vortex and landed in Walmart in Wichita? Fortunately the stack of teacakes and caramel wafers on a nearby display reassured me I wasn't in Kansas just yet, Toto.
It's time to nip this in the bud. Some things are sacred: Halloween equals turnips and guising. Carving a tumshie lantern has long been a rite of passage for Scottish children. It is a feat requiring donkey-like stubbornness and the strength of an ox. We are talking about a minimum of 400 hours hard graft, chiselling away at the unyielding interior akin to attempting to chop down a tree using a nail file.
This is not a task to be undertaken lightly. Nor is it one truly considered complete until every spoon in your mother's good cutlery drawer has been bent in half and your arm muscles have been sculpted like iron girders. Granted, the tumshie lantern is not without its foibles. It is almost impossible to make the bottom of the hollowed-out inside completely level. This invariably leads to the candle leaning precariously to one side so that as you traipse around the neighbours' doors in your Halloween finery, the pungent smell of burning turnip is left wafting in your wake.
Which brings me to the matter of guising. Traditionally this involved doing a wee turn: performing a song, telling a joke, dancing a jig. Think of it like singing for your supper. In return for entertaining, you would be given some sweets, fruit or a few coins.
These days you open the front door on Halloween night to be greeted with the cry of: "Trick or treat" and a row of outstretched palms, which basically translates as: "Gie us sweets/money now or we'll unravel a nine-pack of toilet roll around your garden." Talk about the entitled generation. The campaign to save the beloved Halloween tumshie starts here.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article